It's Been Awhile

I know it's been awhile since I've written a post.  I haven't had much to say and really I still don't.  My depression is continuing to get worse.  I haven't been eating much and I've been sleeping as much as I can.  My motivation and concentration are out the window.

I was supposed to see my psychiatrist yesterday but I got a call in the morning saying that they were having technical difficulties and I had to reschedule for next month.  I see him over the tv, like a Skype type thing.  They call it telepsychiatry.  I went ahead and scheduled even though I see the new psychiatrist a week after the new appointment.  Frustrated I asked to talk to the nurse because my meds needed increased.  They increased my Seroquel by 100 mg and my venlafaxine ER by 75 mg.  So now I'm up to 700 mg total of Seroquel and 150 mg of venlafaxine ER.  Hopefully the hallucinations will stop and the depression will finally give me a break.

It's freezing here today.  It was 72 degrees yesterday and right now it 28 degrees with the windchill.  My toes are soo cold.  I'm wrapped up in a snuggie and have my comfy socks on.  It's not supposed to get above 25 at night till further notice.  Uhk...

Survival Mode

Not much has changed since my last blog entry.  I am still fighting depression tooth and nail.  I am in survival mode, doing as little as I have to to make it to the next day, over and over.  I feel very empty.  Even when I'm hungry I just don't feel like eating.  I am taking in enough food to keep my stomach from annoying me.  I feel like communicating with no one even though I know isolating is not good for my depression.  I have a very hard time concentrating.  I spend most of my time focused on stupid things I've done over my lifetime.  Things from when I'm a child are not off limits.  I have a hard time convincing myself to do anything.  When I do try to do something it's like my mind can't keep up.  Thoughts are just not processing like they should.

Featured on CureTalk for World MH Day

This blog was featured on CureTalk for World Mental Health day.  Here is the link:

http://trialx.com/curetalk/2012/10/world-mental-health-day-curetalk-salutes-courage-and-determination-of-mental-health-disorder-survivors/

I am still struggling with the depression.  I just got up at 11:00 am.  I will most likely go back to bed this afternoon.  I've been spending my time awake on CrazyBoards.org as well as reading.

I got two books from the library that were recommended to me:  "Girl, Interrupted" and "An Unquiet Mind".  I read "Girl, Interrupted" yesterday.  You may have seen the movie but while there a few similarities in the book, they are very different.  I enjoyed both.  If you haven't heard of either one you should really check them out.  The book and movie are about a young woman with borderline personality disorder that ends up in a mental hospital for two years.  I am told "An Unquiet Mind" is about a women with bipolar disorder who becomes successful despite her illness.  I will most likely read part of it today.

I also bought a workbook on DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy).  So far I have yet to get past the first few pages.  They want you to begin with three goals, which is great, except I'm having a hard time putting my thoughts together.  The book is my sad replacement for group therapy, since I am unable to find any within an hour of where I live.

I did end up going up to 75 mg of the venlafaxine after talking to my psychiatrist's office.  So far no change.  I also set an appointment with another psychiatrist and I talked to my current psychiatrist's office about switching within their office.  They said they would look into it.  I'm not holding my breath.  My appointment with the new psychiatrist isn't until November 28th so I'll have to see the current one until then.

I have gone back to taking fish oil supplements because there are so many benefits for mental health, like better brain function and memory.  It was recommended to me to start at a small dose and freeze them to make it easier on my stomach.  So far very few fish burps, if any, and my stomach is handling it much better.  I plan to move up slowly to a higher dose.  It's recommended to take 1 to 3 g for the most benefit.  I've also started taking melatonin when I wake up in the middle of the night and can't go back to sleep.

I got a call back from my doctor's office about my blood test results.  It turns out my blood sugar is normal so I won't being going on metformin for weight loss.  Also, my bad cholesterol is high and my good cholesterol is low.  She recommended daily exercise and a better diet.  All the more reason I need to get past this depression to have the motivation to actually cook and exercise.  I've been mostly eating whatever is easiest to heat up.

When I see the psychiatrist on the 24th I am going to ask to go up another dose of the venlafaxine, unless I'm feeling better.  I'm still seeing my therapist weekly, but I have been cutting our appointments short because of lack of things to talk about.  I don't have much to say except how depressed I am.

Really Want to Go Back to Bed

My depression is lingering on.  If I could stay in bed all day I definitely would.  I was feeling a little bit better yesterday.  I feel like I should go up to 75 mg of the venlafaxine but I don't want to call my pdoc's office again.  I may just do it without calling.  I can't handle having no motivation for anything.  I feel like a lazy slob.  I need to be exercising not only for the depression but because of the Seroquel.  All I can think about is going back to sleep.

Back on Seroquel

I finally heard back from my psychiatrist's office today.  I told them how my ankles had swollen and my pupils were really dilated.  They decided to take me off of the Depakote and switch the Saphris to Seroquel.  The Saphris was causing jerking/twitching movement in my leg and arm.  I'm worried about the Seroquel because the last time I took it I gained 40 lbs.  I'm working with my doctor to try taking metformin if my blood sugar is too high.  I got my blood drawn to see if it is or not.

My neuro appointment went ok except for the fact that I can't stop the propranolol since I had to stop the Depakote.  They put me on Zomig for when I have a migraine so no more icky Imitrex.

My depression is really weighing on me.  I'm not sure what to do.  It was suggested that I exercise but I don't have any motivation.  I'm hanging out in chat and watching a movie.  That's all I can do for now.

Hair and Makeup Done

Here is a pic of me.  It's the first time I've done my hair and makeup in at least a month.  Please be polite and ignore my fatness.

Gloves and Tardive Dyskinesia

I bought some gloves yesterday to keep me from biting and picking at my fingers.  The only problem is I have a touchscreen phone and can't use it with the gloves on.  I've looked into touchscreen gloves but they are like $40 a pair. Guess for now I'll have to take the gloves off and on to use my phone.  It's better than picking and chewing on my fingers all the time.

I have been having this twitching/jerking movement in my arm and leg since I started the Saphris.  I thought it was part of the akathisia but the akathisia is gone now.  I called my pdoc's office and they called back to get some details before talking to the doc.  I never heard back.  I'm pretty pissed because I'm worried it will become permanent.  I'm thinking they're going to take me off the Saphris and start something else.  I'm not overly thrilled about the idea of changing my meds again for like the 6th time in a month.  But tardive dyskinesia is not something you mess with.

I'm going to go see a neurologist today about my migraine medicine.  With being on Depakote (which is supposed to help with headaches) I don't think I need my Propanolol which is my migraine prevention medicine right now.  I also can't handle the Imitrex injections anymore for when I do get a migraine so I need to talk to them about that.  I don't want to have to go to the hospital if I have a migraine.  I also hope that I can have them refer me to a closer neurologist because it's a three hour drive to see them.  I would have just went to see someone else but I could get into my old neurologists office more quickly.  I originally made the appointment about the neuropathic pain.  Now that it's better I'll just deal with the other stuff.

Going to this neurologist also gives me a reason to see family because they are on the way to the appointment.  I'm having lunch with my brother.  He hasn't been doing well depression wise for awhile.  I don't really have the money for the trip and lunch but I don't have much choice.  I also need to get some melatonin for these nights when I wake up at 1 AM and can't go back to sleep.  It seems to be that I can sleep every other night.

Video about Suicide