Even though I knew the next year was coming I only just now realized it will be 2014. I'll be 27 in just a couple of months. My mind tells me I'm not ready for this. Anxiety is building while I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to prepare for 2014 but I know there's nothing I can do. I will stumble into the new year the same person I am now and that scares me.
In other news it has been just over a year since my last inpatient stay. That is a record for me and I think I have my living situation and my increased self awareness to thank for that. Living with my "dad" has helped because I'm not always alone, but I have plenty of alone time. He's willing to help me with anything I need. And by self awareness I mean that I can read my body better and understand my illness better than I ever have before simply because I have the experience. I know when to ask for help before it's too late which is something I appreciate about myself.
I'm not sure if I have talked about my wanting to get involved in advocating for the "mentally ill" but it's been something of great interest to me. I tried several things and have read and heard about a lot of horrible things that are happening to people with mental illnesses. I want to advocate but reading these articles and hearing just how bad it is makes me depressed and angry (as it should) and until I'm in a better place mentally I simply can't do it. I feel guilty because I know people need help and things need changed, but with it putting such a drain on me emotionally I have to choose to stay away from articles and videos that talk about how bad the mental health system is and how we need to fight the stigma. It sucks because I want to help and I want to know what's going on but that's just putting my mental health in jeopardy. Sigh.... Instead I will write this blog and try to show people it's ok to have a mental illness and life can go on.
I hate the term "mentally ill" because it implies that people with mental health issues never have good days and we're just always sick. I know everyone is individual in their symptoms and health but do we really have paint such a gloomy damn picture with just one word?
Christmas with my family was stressful, but good. I made dinner Christmas Eve here at my house and brought it to my grandparents two hours from my house on Christmas day. Everyone was happy with the food I made and only one person asked me if dinner was ready yet when I was warming things up. I hate when they keep asking me and they all stare at me expecting me to magically make dinner ready. We set a time and it's done by that time. I stayed with my cousin Michelle and my cousins because the roads were too crappy to make it home. We had fun playing games and watching a movie until bedtime.
Now it's time for "How is Jen?" I'm feeling very worthless. I know what you're thinking...that I made dinner for all those people and that people would miss me if I wasn't there. I just wish I could get a job or go back to school or have the energy and motivation to keep the house clean all the time. I wish, I wish, I wish....I know I should be grateful that things aren't worse but when you're depressed it's hard to gain perspective. I still feel like I'm treading water, nowhere to go, nothing to do, just keep afloat. We increased my antidepressant at my appointment last week. He wants me to keep a journal of how things are going with each of my problems; depression, anxiety, hallucinations, and sleep. I'm just supposed to rate each, during the day and at night, by a number 1-10. I've never kept a journal like this before so it will be interesting to see how it turns out.
Thanks to my medication and, I'll admit, my poor diet I've put back on the 20 lbs I lost. I want to start to do yoga again and try to get on the treadmill sometimes. I've slowly started changing my diet by switching to diet soda and my next hope is to get a decent blender to start drinking shakes for breakfast instead of my waffles. Slow it goes because my motivation just isn't great right now.
I hope everyone has safe holidays and wish me luck in the new year.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Saturday, December 21, 2013
????
I can't think of a title and my mind has been pretty absent lately so question marks is what I've got.
Since my last post my psychiatrist changed a lot of my medication around leaving me to taper off two meds and just stop taking another. He increased the dose on some other medication to balance things out. I made sure to do the taper slowly and didn't have any problems except for the fact that I can't get to sleep or stay asleep at night. No naps. My tremor worsened and then got better. I can't think straight most of the time and even left my purse (with everything in it) in a parking lot at the store. I can't remember words to say. I feel stupid and I'm sure that's how I look too. I've been trying to make it harder for me to forget things like setting alarms, having separate pill cases, and putting things in the same place every time. I'm having a hard time, right now, remembering what I wanted to write about.
My biological father had serious surgery on his abdomen so I went to Iowa City to make sure everything came out ok. They weren't able to complete the surgery but they knew that was possible before they went in. It was weird hanging out with his family. He is remarried and has two step children. Luckily his mom is very chatty about absolutely nothing so it filled in some awkward moments.
On my trip I also went to an interview to see if I could be park of a research study for people who get frequent migraines and also has depression. They decided that with my medication changes (at that time I was still tapering) that I wouldn't be a good candidate for their study. I was still paid for my time at the interview so that helped a lot with the trip being three hours each way.
While I was at my mom's I met the boy my brother thinks may be his. They look so much alike it's hard to question it but I don't want to assume anything until a paternity test is done. They are waiting until a better time to do the test which I know sounds like an excuse but they have very good reasons and my brother is one of the smartest people I know. The child, Jason, made me cry a little. I'm so happy my brother gets to be a father figure in a young (13 months) boy's life but children, even my dad's half-grown step children, makes me think about the things I can't have. Not being able to have children is the best decision I ever made, but it still haunts me. I'm pretty sure it always will.
When I came home and I got sick. I wasn't directly in contact with people who were sick but definitely indirectly. I couldn't even tell what was wrong I was fighting a fever so badly. One minute I was a hundred million degrees and the next I was an icicle and the next I was both at once. After a few days of fighting it I went to the doctor. They did a swab that said it was not the flu but they weren't sure what it was. After a couple of days of antibiotics I'm better than I was but I've got a ways to go to being healthy.
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday and hopefully we can do something about how my brain has run off on it's own and checks in periodically. I hope he has some plan on what to do about my hallucinations. Apparently I'm stuck with my tremor and newly developed dry mouth as long as I take these medications. Oh, the things we put up with to try to be normal.
Since my last post my psychiatrist changed a lot of my medication around leaving me to taper off two meds and just stop taking another. He increased the dose on some other medication to balance things out. I made sure to do the taper slowly and didn't have any problems except for the fact that I can't get to sleep or stay asleep at night. No naps. My tremor worsened and then got better. I can't think straight most of the time and even left my purse (with everything in it) in a parking lot at the store. I can't remember words to say. I feel stupid and I'm sure that's how I look too. I've been trying to make it harder for me to forget things like setting alarms, having separate pill cases, and putting things in the same place every time. I'm having a hard time, right now, remembering what I wanted to write about.
My biological father had serious surgery on his abdomen so I went to Iowa City to make sure everything came out ok. They weren't able to complete the surgery but they knew that was possible before they went in. It was weird hanging out with his family. He is remarried and has two step children. Luckily his mom is very chatty about absolutely nothing so it filled in some awkward moments.
On my trip I also went to an interview to see if I could be park of a research study for people who get frequent migraines and also has depression. They decided that with my medication changes (at that time I was still tapering) that I wouldn't be a good candidate for their study. I was still paid for my time at the interview so that helped a lot with the trip being three hours each way.
While I was at my mom's I met the boy my brother thinks may be his. They look so much alike it's hard to question it but I don't want to assume anything until a paternity test is done. They are waiting until a better time to do the test which I know sounds like an excuse but they have very good reasons and my brother is one of the smartest people I know. The child, Jason, made me cry a little. I'm so happy my brother gets to be a father figure in a young (13 months) boy's life but children, even my dad's half-grown step children, makes me think about the things I can't have. Not being able to have children is the best decision I ever made, but it still haunts me. I'm pretty sure it always will.
When I came home and I got sick. I wasn't directly in contact with people who were sick but definitely indirectly. I couldn't even tell what was wrong I was fighting a fever so badly. One minute I was a hundred million degrees and the next I was an icicle and the next I was both at once. After a few days of fighting it I went to the doctor. They did a swab that said it was not the flu but they weren't sure what it was. After a couple of days of antibiotics I'm better than I was but I've got a ways to go to being healthy.
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday and hopefully we can do something about how my brain has run off on it's own and checks in periodically. I hope he has some plan on what to do about my hallucinations. Apparently I'm stuck with my tremor and newly developed dry mouth as long as I take these medications. Oh, the things we put up with to try to be normal.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Such an adventure...
I went to my dad's family Thanksgiving/Christmas gathering on the second day and everything was ok at first. There were so many people in such a small space and so many that I didn't know but I held my cool for a little while. When they started to hand out gifts to the children and utter chaos started, my anxiety that had been holding back was full force. I remembered putting my clonazepam in my purse but I guess in my frantic state I couldn't find them. After a brief discussion with my dad I took his van to head home.
I knew I shouldn't be driving in that state of mind but of course, being in that state of mind, I thought there was no other way to escape. I should have gone outside for awhile. I should have looked harder in my purse. Who the hell knows what I should have done that I didn't. Instead I drove home and on the way clipped a (parked) truck with my passenger side mirror. There was no damage to the truck because my mirrors fold in but the glass shattered in the mirror and then scratched the van a million times. Now not only was I having an anxiety attack from the chaos at the gathering but also because I broke my dad's van. Guilt is really hard for me to deal with, in case you haven't noticed. My dad was very understanding about things, it's just my guilt that's eating at me. Of course I'm going to replace the mirror as soon as I can.
Since then my anxiety is controlling a lot of what I do. Not to mention the depression that pulls me back into bed every chance I get. But the hallucinations, they will not stop. They are constantly there; inside my head, outside my head, mumbling, singing, screaming. Because I focus on the hallucinations I have a hard time focusing on anything else.
In other news I went to the neurologist for Botox injections to prevent my migraines. It wasn't too bad, really. They use a tiny needle to inject your head and neck 31 times. They said I would have a headache for a week and this is only the first day and I want to scream. It's a normal headache really but the fact that I know it will go on for another six days sucks.
I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Friday and I'm not sure what to ask for or expect. I'm not sure what to say to get the result I want, mostly because I'm not sure what I want. Part of me wants me to go into the hospital and do a med wash and just start over. Another part of me is so scared about going to the hospital because they could put me in placement when they can't figure my meds out. Sigh...
Onward with my fucked up adventure...
Friday, November 15, 2013
My Adventure
Don't let the title fool you, this will not be about frolicking unicorns and kittens purring. This is going to be about tonight when I spent time with my dad's family which is a huge leap from the place my ass has been glued. I have been staying in bed most of the time, and when I get up to do anything my bed followed me around waiting for my return. It's obvious I'm depressed even though I was pretty good at hiding it until I decided to just come out and tell my dad. This requires a little back story:
I have been seriously depressed for quite awhile, weeks I'd say. When Halloween came I dressed as Batgirl and handed out candy. My brother was planning to have a small Halloween party. My depressed self thought it would be fun to have a few drinks while handing out candy, which led to the thought of drinking with other people. I had my dad take my drunkass over to the house but that's pretty much all I can remember. Next thing I remember I'm in the hospital with an IV in my hand and they are asking me to call someone to get me. Most of my clothing had been changed to hospital garb because the rest was covered in vomit. I still don't remember the night and I prefer no one tells me. According to the police report they mailed me I was found because I feel into someone's front door. I have to go to court for that later this month. My point was that my dad had to come get me from the hospital around 2 AM when he had to work at 7:30 AM.
A few days later I was laying in my bed and I couldn't stop crying. I'm a master at hiding my crying but lately it seems I've lost my touch. When I just couldn't stop crying I decided to just tell my dad and maybe he could help me feel better. He thought it was about Halloween and I had to explain to him that this is happening all the time. He was very helpful and continues to be. So onto our adventure tonight:
This weekend is my dad's family's Thanksgiving/Christmas get together for the year. I was worried about going because my anxiety has been kicking my ass. I went, but took my clonazepam just in case. Things were fine, people didn't ignore me as much as usual. I watched the kids play in the pool and was lucky enough to hold two children, one a baby. Neither of them were very talkative but being around so many children made me think of Syd. I loved that baby girl and I miss her. I'm also hypervigilant about the kids' safety but I have to put myself in my place; these are not my kids, they do not need my guidance. After a couple hours it felt good to come home.
Now I'm contemplating whether or not I want to go back tomorrow and Sunday. I know I'm not going to be able to handle more than a few hours, even with the clonazepam. The kids just make me so nervous. Ah, such is my adventure.
I have been seriously depressed for quite awhile, weeks I'd say. When Halloween came I dressed as Batgirl and handed out candy. My brother was planning to have a small Halloween party. My depressed self thought it would be fun to have a few drinks while handing out candy, which led to the thought of drinking with other people. I had my dad take my drunkass over to the house but that's pretty much all I can remember. Next thing I remember I'm in the hospital with an IV in my hand and they are asking me to call someone to get me. Most of my clothing had been changed to hospital garb because the rest was covered in vomit. I still don't remember the night and I prefer no one tells me. According to the police report they mailed me I was found because I feel into someone's front door. I have to go to court for that later this month. My point was that my dad had to come get me from the hospital around 2 AM when he had to work at 7:30 AM.
A few days later I was laying in my bed and I couldn't stop crying. I'm a master at hiding my crying but lately it seems I've lost my touch. When I just couldn't stop crying I decided to just tell my dad and maybe he could help me feel better. He thought it was about Halloween and I had to explain to him that this is happening all the time. He was very helpful and continues to be. So onto our adventure tonight:
This weekend is my dad's family's Thanksgiving/Christmas get together for the year. I was worried about going because my anxiety has been kicking my ass. I went, but took my clonazepam just in case. Things were fine, people didn't ignore me as much as usual. I watched the kids play in the pool and was lucky enough to hold two children, one a baby. Neither of them were very talkative but being around so many children made me think of Syd. I loved that baby girl and I miss her. I'm also hypervigilant about the kids' safety but I have to put myself in my place; these are not my kids, they do not need my guidance. After a couple hours it felt good to come home.
Now I'm contemplating whether or not I want to go back tomorrow and Sunday. I know I'm not going to be able to handle more than a few hours, even with the clonazepam. The kids just make me so nervous. Ah, such is my adventure.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Day 1, Day 2
As I read through posts on CrazyBoards.org (a thread site for people with mental illness) I realized that there are so many like me and so few places for us to get help. Mental illness is a really tricky process (as if you didn't know) and, especially with as many medications I'm on, I find myself in a sea of apathy. Suicide doesn't come to mind but I don't want to live anymore. I have said this before (which should give me hope) but I just feel like I'm treading water. Maybe not treading water until death this time but treading water until I can do something useful. What do you do when you feel like nothing is worth doing? I don't want to upset my family but with my dad going into treatment soon and my brother needing help with moving it seems I don't have a choice but to hurt someone.
I think I want to go into the hospital and do a med wash. I know that the meds that I am on were working and maybe they still are and just need a push of something else. Maybe I just need to let this pass, but what if it doesn't? No one wants you in the hospital unless you're suicidal but I can't see my psychiatrist every day to adjust things. The doctor I like most working with, Dr. Rickard Larsen, has crappy facilities and refuse to let you wear your own clothes. Plus, if you're there longer than a week they start talking about placement. Dr. Trahan in another hospital gave me a chance to relax and not worry about being sent away. He took the time to put me on lithium which had been suggested while I was in the hospital a few times, but no one wanted to take the time to do it. Plus at Dr. Trahan's unit you can have your cell phone.
I have even lost interest in writing this. And the point of it. People read this and it is just letters on a monitor. How do you give activities meaning, I mean, that's the point of activities, to hold your interest and yet, if you have no interest in them what are you supposed to do?
*******************************************************
I'm reading this a day later and today was better than yesterday. I wasn't alone because my brother was around all day so maybe that's something I needed. It also crosses my mind that I may be flipping into a manic cycle, especially since I've known myself to be rapid-cycling when new meds are introduced. I didn't explain, I guess, about the med change; when I started getting headaches and migraines almost constantly again I went to see my neurologist and he put me on Neurontin which, beside a few nasty side effects, didn't work. I got a hold of my neurologist and he switched me to Nortriptyline. I am still tapering up but I've been known to go into hypomania with new antidepressants. I'm hoping that's not where this is going. I have responsibilities to my family to keep myself on level ground.
I am still having hallucinations, usually not something I can understand and outside my head, with a couple of exceptions. I am still amazed (and not necessarily in a good way) about these voices I hear inside my head and the disassociative thoughts I'm having. Before I hear them in my head I didn't think someone else's voice could be in my thoughts, but yet there they are and yes, I am crazy.
Of course "crazy" is not the right would but would be? "Mental Illness" makes me feel like I've got the plague and I could "strip naked and cluck like a chicken" at any moment. Then the reality sets in and I realize that, as much as I try to defend myself, I have only as much control of myself as my medications and body allow me.
I think I want to go into the hospital and do a med wash. I know that the meds that I am on were working and maybe they still are and just need a push of something else. Maybe I just need to let this pass, but what if it doesn't? No one wants you in the hospital unless you're suicidal but I can't see my psychiatrist every day to adjust things. The doctor I like most working with, Dr. Rickard Larsen, has crappy facilities and refuse to let you wear your own clothes. Plus, if you're there longer than a week they start talking about placement. Dr. Trahan in another hospital gave me a chance to relax and not worry about being sent away. He took the time to put me on lithium which had been suggested while I was in the hospital a few times, but no one wanted to take the time to do it. Plus at Dr. Trahan's unit you can have your cell phone.
I have even lost interest in writing this. And the point of it. People read this and it is just letters on a monitor. How do you give activities meaning, I mean, that's the point of activities, to hold your interest and yet, if you have no interest in them what are you supposed to do?
*******************************************************
I'm reading this a day later and today was better than yesterday. I wasn't alone because my brother was around all day so maybe that's something I needed. It also crosses my mind that I may be flipping into a manic cycle, especially since I've known myself to be rapid-cycling when new meds are introduced. I didn't explain, I guess, about the med change; when I started getting headaches and migraines almost constantly again I went to see my neurologist and he put me on Neurontin which, beside a few nasty side effects, didn't work. I got a hold of my neurologist and he switched me to Nortriptyline. I am still tapering up but I've been known to go into hypomania with new antidepressants. I'm hoping that's not where this is going. I have responsibilities to my family to keep myself on level ground.
I am still having hallucinations, usually not something I can understand and outside my head, with a couple of exceptions. I am still amazed (and not necessarily in a good way) about these voices I hear inside my head and the disassociative thoughts I'm having. Before I hear them in my head I didn't think someone else's voice could be in my thoughts, but yet there they are and yes, I am crazy.
Of course "crazy" is not the right would but would be? "Mental Illness" makes me feel like I've got the plague and I could "strip naked and cluck like a chicken" at any moment. Then the reality sets in and I realize that, as much as I try to defend myself, I have only as much control of myself as my medications and body allow me.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
My Mind (the part I can find at least...)
My mind lately is not a place I want to be so don't be surprised if this is hodge podge of random ideas.
Constantly pulling at me are hallucinations; auditory, visual, and tactile (touch). These things that are pulling at me seem random, at least I hope so. Early on today I had a discussion in my mind about the movie Seven and how perfectly meticulous the murderer was. I was so focused yet my brain still pushed in hallucinations. In the movie Brad Pitt's character asks the murderer if he realizes how crazy he actually is. I think that is what torments me the most, that I do know how crazy I am which has no relation to the movie other than the pondering I did this morning of that movie.
My "dad" with possible metastatic skin cancer is a constant reminder to have my priorities in place with his refusing to miss work unless absolutely necessary. A very close friend is fighting the same battle of having family in unstable health. Yet another friend is in the hospital and I can't get to either of them. I guess I feel lost as to how to help, and not hinder, each situation. I am trying to take care of my own situation well enough that it does not interfere anywhere else and that is very, very important to me.
I am proud of how my brother is doing so well living with his friends, not that it's without it's faults. The fact that he has tried this before and failed and is doing so much of a contrast to back then makes me more than just hope that he will make this a lasting stay. I hope to help steer him the right way financially while I still struggle to keep myself on the right road.
I called my psychiatrist whom I respect more than most of the psychiatrists I've seen, which is many. I actually spoke to him after his secretary gave him the message at the end of the day. I asked about a way to start over with my medication. He feels strongly that I should stay on the path I'm on. I guess I have nothing to say about it.
Constantly pulling at me are hallucinations; auditory, visual, and tactile (touch). These things that are pulling at me seem random, at least I hope so. Early on today I had a discussion in my mind about the movie Seven and how perfectly meticulous the murderer was. I was so focused yet my brain still pushed in hallucinations. In the movie Brad Pitt's character asks the murderer if he realizes how crazy he actually is. I think that is what torments me the most, that I do know how crazy I am which has no relation to the movie other than the pondering I did this morning of that movie.
My "dad" with possible metastatic skin cancer is a constant reminder to have my priorities in place with his refusing to miss work unless absolutely necessary. A very close friend is fighting the same battle of having family in unstable health. Yet another friend is in the hospital and I can't get to either of them. I guess I feel lost as to how to help, and not hinder, each situation. I am trying to take care of my own situation well enough that it does not interfere anywhere else and that is very, very important to me.
I am proud of how my brother is doing so well living with his friends, not that it's without it's faults. The fact that he has tried this before and failed and is doing so much of a contrast to back then makes me more than just hope that he will make this a lasting stay. I hope to help steer him the right way financially while I still struggle to keep myself on the right road.
I called my psychiatrist whom I respect more than most of the psychiatrists I've seen, which is many. I actually spoke to him after his secretary gave him the message at the end of the day. I asked about a way to start over with my medication. He feels strongly that I should stay on the path I'm on. I guess I have nothing to say about it.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
No title...
I'm not going to apologize about the time between posts because I have been busy with other things. I scanned all 740 family pics into the computer and uploaded them to a website so my family can see them. I'd like to make scrapbooks with them. None of that stickers and cute sayings, just my pictures in a scrapbook. Photo albums have plastic that covers each page and I don't want that. If any moisture gets in then it molds and ruin the pics. With a scrapbook type photo album they don't have to be covered by plastic and after tons of our pics getting destroyed by water and mold I'm not willing to package them the same way.
I've been adminning the groups I am supposed to on Facebook but I feel like I'm always playing catch up. My brother has decided to move to the town I live in without a license or a car so I'm shuffling him around. Not to mention they don't have hot water so he's got to come over to shower. He hurt his knee and it swollen like a soccer ball so walking is out of the question.
Monty went and got his staples out from his surgery to remove the melanoma from his head. It looks disgusting but I check on it from time to time to make sure it is healing well. The doctor said that when they removed the tumor they found a smaller "satellite" tumor near by. He said that this is the same as it having gone into his lymph nodes (which it didn't thank god). We have an appointment on Wednesday with the Oncology clinic to see what we do next.
My mood has been up and down. I'm in a manic phase right now and my doctor increased some of my medications to try to control it. So far no luck, just tired and manic. I can't sleep very long and I just have this urge to do SOMETHING. Right now I have nothing to do but write this entry and I'm already losing interest.
My friend whom I write to has written in awhile and I'm a little worried.
So there are my thoughts on virtual paper. I'll prolly write again soon out of the same need that lead me here this time.
Friday, September 13, 2013
It's been a long time...
I know it's been a long time since I've posted anything. A lot of things have happened....
Most recently I had a manic episode and my bank account is empty. I picked up and went to Cedar Rapids at a moments notice. While there I got blackout drunk. Let's just say my decision making skills were a little off at best. I missed the first signs probably more because I wanted to and not because I didn't actually see them. That's not actually true. I really didn't see them. It was when I started thinking about deep cleaning the kitchen I knew I was headed the wrong way. I looked back and saw that my sleep patterns had been changing and the euphoric feeling had been building. I don't know how I missed it. Maybe because it was building over such a long period of time. Months really.
It seems to be that there was no middle ground between my depression and my mania and that there could possibly be the same problem building again. It's not for sure, really. The sadness could be just from how my visit why psychiatrist went or the fact that I've been alone for awhile. While I was manic I called my psychiatrists office and they said to take more medication. I did for a few days and stopped, assuming he meant until I came down. At my appointment today he said that he wanted me to keep taking it. He also said that he had thought about sending me to a hospital hours away to see if they could help me, but decided not to because he feels he can do just the same as they can. I didn't realize he felt I was so sick but looking back over my time with him, my episodes have taken up more time than not.
It must be nice for my dad to have time away from this. I wish I could have time away from this. I wish I could have time away from wondering who knows and what they think. I had my blood drawn today and mentioned I had been to a nearby town this morning and he assumed I had an appointment. I may have a nephew (long story) and all I wonder about is what if his mother finds out and if I'll be allowed around the baby and if I even should be. And when he grows up, what will they tell him?
And for those of you who are all about "Stop whining" and "It could be worse", even strong people get to cry sometimes. Yes, things could be worse, but things suck for me right now so fuck you.
Most recently I had a manic episode and my bank account is empty. I picked up and went to Cedar Rapids at a moments notice. While there I got blackout drunk. Let's just say my decision making skills were a little off at best. I missed the first signs probably more because I wanted to and not because I didn't actually see them. That's not actually true. I really didn't see them. It was when I started thinking about deep cleaning the kitchen I knew I was headed the wrong way. I looked back and saw that my sleep patterns had been changing and the euphoric feeling had been building. I don't know how I missed it. Maybe because it was building over such a long period of time. Months really.
It seems to be that there was no middle ground between my depression and my mania and that there could possibly be the same problem building again. It's not for sure, really. The sadness could be just from how my visit why psychiatrist went or the fact that I've been alone for awhile. While I was manic I called my psychiatrists office and they said to take more medication. I did for a few days and stopped, assuming he meant until I came down. At my appointment today he said that he wanted me to keep taking it. He also said that he had thought about sending me to a hospital hours away to see if they could help me, but decided not to because he feels he can do just the same as they can. I didn't realize he felt I was so sick but looking back over my time with him, my episodes have taken up more time than not.
It must be nice for my dad to have time away from this. I wish I could have time away from this. I wish I could have time away from wondering who knows and what they think. I had my blood drawn today and mentioned I had been to a nearby town this morning and he assumed I had an appointment. I may have a nephew (long story) and all I wonder about is what if his mother finds out and if I'll be allowed around the baby and if I even should be. And when he grows up, what will they tell him?
And for those of you who are all about "Stop whining" and "It could be worse", even strong people get to cry sometimes. Yes, things could be worse, but things suck for me right now so fuck you.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Sorry...
It has been an unbelievably long time since my last post. I'm not going to even try to fill you in on everything that has happened. Not only would I not remember it all, what I did remember would become a jumbled mess.
I will tell you about the mental health issues that I have been struggling with. It's frustrating because things were going well for awhile. I found myself being really sensitive to basically everything but I didn't really realize that I was slipping into depression until I just broke out sobbing in the shower. I didn't even see it coming, it just came out. I had been holding back tears lately for seemingly no reason but hadn't really thought anything of it. But this, this doubled me over and the sobs that came out didn't even sound like me. And I am the queen of all silent crying. I perfected it as a child, even to the point where my breathing wouldn't even give it away. Monty was even here while I was sobbing in the shower. That told me there was definitely something wrong.
My depressing thoughts up to that point mostly circled around my (for lack of a better word) terrible childhood. I kept questioning how someone could raise children that way and allow them to have that life. Mother's and Father's days did not help. And I still have those thoughts that normal people have, the ones where you think, "With my kid, I would..." And then I have to remind myself that I never will.
I've been working with my psychiatrist to adjust my medication. We increased my lithium, but it was too much. Then I had to go a few days without the lithium and went into a mixed episode and organized everything in the house. My anxiety was out of control so I'm taking some Klonopin for that now and we've increased my Effexor. It's been almost a month now, though, and I am definitely completely out of my mixed episode and back into depression. I'm going to call my psychiatrist tomorrow.
Not much else is going on. I made a couple of Facebook groups. There is one that is for "For Sale" groups in Iowa and the other is for "Free Stuff" groups in Iowa. They are both organized by location of the group so people can find groups in their area. I'm also now an admin for a group in my town. It's frustrating sometimes because the other admins don't really help and the members don't like to follow the rules. I just do the best I can.
I also scanned all of my family pictures into the computer. I'm going to put them on a website like Photobucket or something so that they can be shared with all of my family. I'm also looking for a good way to preserve the actual photographs but everything is so expensive. So many were already ruined when my mom left them in her basement so I want to make sure that what's left doesn't get destroyed.
I wouldn't be so worried about money this month but I bought a computer chair because I've been having issues with my back and hips. I've been seeing my chiropractor, which is helping, along with using heat and ice. I'm just trying to make sure I don't go back to having bursitis in my hips. Not being able to maneuver the stairs was pretty embarrassing at 25, not to mention you have to take the to stairs to get everywhere in our house.
I hope to post more often and I'm sorry it took me so long. I hope all is well.
I will tell you about the mental health issues that I have been struggling with. It's frustrating because things were going well for awhile. I found myself being really sensitive to basically everything but I didn't really realize that I was slipping into depression until I just broke out sobbing in the shower. I didn't even see it coming, it just came out. I had been holding back tears lately for seemingly no reason but hadn't really thought anything of it. But this, this doubled me over and the sobs that came out didn't even sound like me. And I am the queen of all silent crying. I perfected it as a child, even to the point where my breathing wouldn't even give it away. Monty was even here while I was sobbing in the shower. That told me there was definitely something wrong.
My depressing thoughts up to that point mostly circled around my (for lack of a better word) terrible childhood. I kept questioning how someone could raise children that way and allow them to have that life. Mother's and Father's days did not help. And I still have those thoughts that normal people have, the ones where you think, "With my kid, I would..." And then I have to remind myself that I never will.
I've been working with my psychiatrist to adjust my medication. We increased my lithium, but it was too much. Then I had to go a few days without the lithium and went into a mixed episode and organized everything in the house. My anxiety was out of control so I'm taking some Klonopin for that now and we've increased my Effexor. It's been almost a month now, though, and I am definitely completely out of my mixed episode and back into depression. I'm going to call my psychiatrist tomorrow.
Not much else is going on. I made a couple of Facebook groups. There is one that is for "For Sale" groups in Iowa and the other is for "Free Stuff" groups in Iowa. They are both organized by location of the group so people can find groups in their area. I'm also now an admin for a group in my town. It's frustrating sometimes because the other admins don't really help and the members don't like to follow the rules. I just do the best I can.
I also scanned all of my family pictures into the computer. I'm going to put them on a website like Photobucket or something so that they can be shared with all of my family. I'm also looking for a good way to preserve the actual photographs but everything is so expensive. So many were already ruined when my mom left them in her basement so I want to make sure that what's left doesn't get destroyed.
I wouldn't be so worried about money this month but I bought a computer chair because I've been having issues with my back and hips. I've been seeing my chiropractor, which is helping, along with using heat and ice. I'm just trying to make sure I don't go back to having bursitis in my hips. Not being able to maneuver the stairs was pretty embarrassing at 25, not to mention you have to take the to stairs to get everywhere in our house.
I hope to post more often and I'm sorry it took me so long. I hope all is well.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Women and Our Bodies
"I suspect it’s difficult for men to imagine a world in which their bodies have long been inextricably linked to their value as an individual, and that no matter how encouraging your parents were or how many positive female role models you had or how self-confident you feel, there is an ever-present pressure that creeps in from all sides, whispering in your ear that you are your body and your body defines you. A world where, from the time of pubescence on, you can feel the constant and palpable weight of the male gaze, and not just from your male peers but from teachers and sports coaches and the fathers of the children you baby-sit, people you’re supposed to respect and trust and look up to, and that first realization that you are being looked at in that way is the beginning of a self-consciousness that you will be unable to shake for the rest of your life. Even if they are never verbalized, the rules of bodily conduct for females become clear early on: when school administrators reprimand you for the inch of midriff that shows when you lift your hands straight in the air or youth group leaders tell you that the sight of your unintentional cleavage is what causes godly young men to fall, you learn that your body is dangerous and shameful and that it’s your responsibility to cloister it in a way that is acceptable to everyone else. You learn that your body is a topic of public debate that everyone is entitled to weigh in on, from a male classmate telling you that those jeans make your ass look huge to the male-dominated United States Congress dictating the parameters that rape must fall within to be considered legitimate. To be a woman, and to live life in a woman’s body, is to be held to a set of comically paradoxical standards that make you constantly second-guess yourself and jump through a million hoops in pursuit of an impossible perfection."
Kendall Goodwinhttp://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/stop-catcalling-me/
Friday, May 3, 2013
National Mental Health Awareness Month
I will most likely write a longer rant about this later but here is a link to President Obama's proclamation that May is now National Mental Health Awareness Month:
http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/04/30/presidential-proclamation-national-mental-health-awareness-month-2013
And my immediate reaction:
While it’s true that this is a great step in the direction ending the stigma that surrounds people with mental illness, it seems that the speech purposefully left out any form of one of the most stigmatized illness: Schizophrenia. Not only are they tiptoeing around sensitive parts of the issue, they are completely ignoring the fact that these people that they are urging to get help are going to be faced with having to wait 2-3 months for an appointment after they search for a place that will actually accept a new patient. And the “treatment” they receive from there? Not to mention what they have to go through if they’re hospitalized. Thanks for the empty gesture but the mental health system needs help and that sure the hell isn’t it.
http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/04/30/presidential-proclamation-national-mental-health-awareness-month-2013
And my immediate reaction:
While it’s true that this is a great step in the direction ending the stigma that surrounds people with mental illness, it seems that the speech purposefully left out any form of one of the most stigmatized illness: Schizophrenia. Not only are they tiptoeing around sensitive parts of the issue, they are completely ignoring the fact that these people that they are urging to get help are going to be faced with having to wait 2-3 months for an appointment after they search for a place that will actually accept a new patient. And the “treatment” they receive from there? Not to mention what they have to go through if they’re hospitalized. Thanks for the empty gesture but the mental health system needs help and that sure the hell isn’t it.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
So I'm Pretty Much a Liar
I know, I know, I said I would write an entry this past weekend
and I didn't post anything. I partially wrote something and it was pretty
much crap so I scrapped it. After having been sick for absolutely forever
(or since February) I finally started feeling better around the end of last week.
Between then and now I've gotten a ton of things done and it really
helped that the weather was absolutely gorgeous. I will try to fill you
in on everything that's happened.
So because I had been sick for so long they did blood
work that showed my thyroid level is somewhat off but not out of normal
range. Everything else was normal. Several areas of my lymph nodes
have been swollen for a long time and became unbearably painful for several
days so my doctor felt them and found lumps under one of my arms. They
did a mammogram and ultrasound and found nothing. The pain passed and my
lymph nodes are still swollen. I saw an otolaryngologist (ear, nose, and
throat specialist) for my sinuses and he said that it wasn't an infection, just
inflammation. The nasal spray he gave me has completely solved my sinus
problems. So other than my swollen lymph nodes and feeling a little
tired, physically I feel good.
I started to see my therapist again because I was having a hard
time dealing with some of my emotions. Mostly I was having a hard time
dealing with my feelings about not being able to have children. Reminders
are everywhere. And one day I was laying down for awhile on the couch and
I just thought, "I could be spending this time with my child." And
there's the fact that a girl I was best friends with for part of high school
just had her fifth child. People out taking their kids for walks to park,
and me taking my cat out to play in the back yard. Which she loves by the
way. Sigh...
I was also getting really angry with the way people were talking
about Social Security Disability and people with mental illness. Just the
image that comes into people's minds when they think of those things.
It's such a catch 22 when you're fighting these things because people's
prejudices and discrimination can really make your life hell if you tell people
but you can't change the way people see things without showing them they're
wrong. All the talk about the Sandy Hook shooting and restricting the gun
rights and privacy of the mentally ill was making me really angry. Plus
the people on top of that talking about people on SSDI being too lazy to work.
It all just came to a head when someone posted this on Facebook:
"How did the greatest, most industrious nation on earth become the land of government dependent whiners???? 80 million people nursing off mother government is beyond excessive.”
“What happened to an attitude of pride in being self sufficient?”
I posted this on my status:
"I think people misunderstand what Social Security Disability is. People think we are leeching off the government because we are lazy and we don't want to work. While there are always exceptions, people who are on disability simply cannot work. Only 34% of people who apply for SSDI actually get approved and most of those people have to appeal at least once and many have to get a lawyer. They have to prove they can't work with documentation and doctor's information. And people forget the fact that these people PAID social security taxes in order to be able to draw the benefits if they did become disabled. That's what Social Security Disability In[come] is. Elderly people paid social security taxes for years so when they retire they could draw social security benefits. Medicare is there for the same reason. And HOW DARE these people apply for these benefits they have paid for?! How ignorant."
She later put something on her page saying she didn't
mean disabled or elderly people. I can see how I may have
overreacted slightly, but I needed to get my point across. And exactly
what does the 80 million include then? I got my 34% from
the government statistics. Where did you get yours?
Because I was feeling better I felt it was a good idea to go out
and spend about $700 on my credit card. I was worried about mania for
awhile but there was no change in my need for sleep and certainly no
euphoria. I really needed the stuff I got. It was all stuff I had
been putting off forever. I don’t feel any guilt so what I thought was
going to be a crisis is actually no big deal.
Mental health wise I think things are going great. There
have been a few times where I've felt that I was going to tip one way or the
other but it was just a mild blip on the radar. I really think I have the
lithium to thank for that. It makes me pretty angry to think about it
because I can remember more than once that my doctors have chosen not to try it
because it was too much work. Who knows where the hell I would be if I
would have been stable years ago. Assholes. But it’s nice to be
stable now. I do want to warn that stability could mean fewer posts
because sometimes I don't feel like I have anything you really want
to read about. I do hope to do some advocacy stuff and I will keep you
updated on any of that.
I've been mulling over this idea that if I presented a case
of a person with, say, Alzheimer's (or another brain disease), getting the
treatment of a person with mental illness, would people find it acceptable?
I'm not talking giving them crazy meds, I mean putting them in the
hospital with drug and alcohol patients (which limits the number of their
beds), restricting the length of hospital stay regardless of progress
(except in extreme cases), sending patients to RCFs (residential care facilities)
that are under staffed, with staff who have no training in Alzheimer's care or
medication, where they can only see a doctor every three months, where they are
given no privacy, no choices,...etc, etc, etc. My point is, if we could
get people to really see mentally ill people as they actually are, take the
fear away, take the unknown away, would people actually let this 'treatment'
happen? Maybe by comparing mental illness to something people understand
we could really get somewhere.
Anyway, I got a whole bunch of stuff done this weekend while it
was nice and now it's going to snow. That's right, it's May and it's
going to snow. Gotta love Iowa. I leave you with Kitty's modeling
pics:
Friday, April 26, 2013
Great Quote (New post coming soon)
Just had to share this. I thought this was a great way to explain something I haven't been able to put into words so eloquently. I am going to write a post this weekend. I've been putting it off because I've been working on some things in my head. You will hear from me soon.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Loving Someone Who Committed Suicide
Just Not Right
My last entry was, well, let's be honest, it was too long. So this time I'm gonna try to keep it short and try not to let so much time pass between entries. I want to thank everyone who regularly reads this. It helps chip away at that useless feeling I'm always fighting.
Anyway, I'm starting some somewhat new medication (Topamax) that may affect my thought process. I took it for a couple years awhile back until it stopped working. The migraine prevention medication I've been on for about a year now (propranolol) has stopped working so the neurologists suggested going back to the Topamax. I don't remember it affecting my thinking back then but my memory isn't very reliable. I do know it totally killed my appetite and all of my headaches. I did find out that it could possibly increase my lithium level. For the next couple weeks I'll be titrating onto the Topamax and off of the propranolol. Wish me luck!
I mentioned in the last entry that I had been sick lately. In the last three or four months I've been on antibiotics on four occasions and have only felt "well" a few weeks in there. There were sinus infections, bronchitis, upper respiratory infections, and the stomach flu (no antibiotics, but sick nonetheless). Now I'm back to having a sinus infection and I'm on my third kind of antibiotic for this infection alone. Tomorrow I have to get a CT scan of my sinuses and my appointment with a specialist is two weeks away. My glands are so swollen that turning my head hurts. That and I am sooo exhausted. I really can't wait for that ENT appointment.
I don't know if it's the sinus infection, but I've been feeling off kilter today. I keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye and when I turn, it's nothing. When I was sitting in the drive through for the pharmacy I kept feeling I was rolling forward because it looked like the wall next to me was moving. The van was in park, it was just my brain playing tricks on me. I'm not sure what it is, but hopefully it lets up.
I'm worried about my family. I haven't heard from my brothers lately and I know things aren't going the best right now. I haven't really gotten ahold of them either because I haven't been feeling well. When I did get ahold of my brother he didn't seem interested it talking. I tried to explain about being sick but, maybe it was just me, he just didn't say much. I just keep thinking I should be there with them to help them through this. I've always wanted to be that person that people knew they can turn to, mostly because I know what it's like not to have that person. I guess we all have things we wish we could be that we don't have a choice in.
Anyway, I'm starting some somewhat new medication (Topamax) that may affect my thought process. I took it for a couple years awhile back until it stopped working. The migraine prevention medication I've been on for about a year now (propranolol) has stopped working so the neurologists suggested going back to the Topamax. I don't remember it affecting my thinking back then but my memory isn't very reliable. I do know it totally killed my appetite and all of my headaches. I did find out that it could possibly increase my lithium level. For the next couple weeks I'll be titrating onto the Topamax and off of the propranolol. Wish me luck!
I mentioned in the last entry that I had been sick lately. In the last three or four months I've been on antibiotics on four occasions and have only felt "well" a few weeks in there. There were sinus infections, bronchitis, upper respiratory infections, and the stomach flu (no antibiotics, but sick nonetheless). Now I'm back to having a sinus infection and I'm on my third kind of antibiotic for this infection alone. Tomorrow I have to get a CT scan of my sinuses and my appointment with a specialist is two weeks away. My glands are so swollen that turning my head hurts. That and I am sooo exhausted. I really can't wait for that ENT appointment.
I don't know if it's the sinus infection, but I've been feeling off kilter today. I keep seeing things out of the corner of my eye and when I turn, it's nothing. When I was sitting in the drive through for the pharmacy I kept feeling I was rolling forward because it looked like the wall next to me was moving. The van was in park, it was just my brain playing tricks on me. I'm not sure what it is, but hopefully it lets up.
I'm worried about my family. I haven't heard from my brothers lately and I know things aren't going the best right now. I haven't really gotten ahold of them either because I haven't been feeling well. When I did get ahold of my brother he didn't seem interested it talking. I tried to explain about being sick but, maybe it was just me, he just didn't say much. I just keep thinking I should be there with them to help them through this. I've always wanted to be that person that people knew they can turn to, mostly because I know what it's like not to have that person. I guess we all have things we wish we could be that we don't have a choice in.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Expectations/Relativity
Everyone has an expectation of what their life is going to be like. I've been looking at my life lately, probably the wrong way. I'm confused as to whether I'm focusing on my own view of the way things should be or everyone else's. And I guess I'm questioning if there's a difference.
I read a quote once that said, "Complaining does nothing. Either do something, or shut up." Maybe that wasn't it exactly and I don't know who the author is, but it's the concept I want to talk about. I'm about to write a long entry about how things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to (and probably some about how things never were). I've been thinking a lot about how relative things are. And really, how situational most "inspirational" or "motivational" quotes are. Everything is relative in that it is dependent on the situation.
While it's true that complaining about something you can't change is often unproductive, there are situations where complaining can just make you feel better or come up with solutions for your problem. Just try venting to the man in your life. It's likely they will have some solutions for you. Even the popular, "Never give up," is relative. There is a time to give up. There is a time when something in your life is doing more damage than good and quitting is the right thing to do. When I consider quotes to post (see the "Quotes" page) I think about different situations my readers could be in. I especially think about how I see things when I'm depressed. Take this one for example:
I can see how this could be inspirational or motivational for people who are in a unhappy situation that they can change. But for someone whose view of the world and emotions are governed by mental illness and medication, this can be depressing. Really depressing. I know it makes me think about my guilt about not being able to control my illness (and essentially my happiness). The truth is that nothing is for everyone, except air and water.
I guess my point is twofold in that we need to remember not only that not everything applies to us and our situation but that our situation and advice does not always apply to others'. A nurse on the psych ward once sat me down and said that there are people worse off than me and that I should just move on. I can see how talking about children in a third world country might get your children to eat their vegetables, but telling someone that the hell that is their mind is not bad enough to ask for help? Her reality was/is not my reality.
If I have learned anything over the last ten years it's that I have to take things at face value. I decide if what I hear/read/see means anything to me. I decide if I can trust it. I decide if I am going to give it the time of day. It's easier for me to decide that something doesn't apply to me when I remember that everything is relative.
I apologize for the lecture, I just needed to get some things down that were haunting me. A lot of this I'm about to talk about may seem like a recurring theme, but I write about what I think about.
Other than being sick basically all winter, my life is in a decent place now. Maybe even a good place, if I could refocus my view of success and purpose. When I started working at 14 I felt liberated. At first I enjoyed the money and being able to develop relationships outside of school. After some time I started to appreciate that my hard work was recognized. I was always good at school, but no one really seemed to notice. I got straight A's but my brother skipped a grade so I didn't have much to say. I took pride in doing well at work and school and felt a real sense of self worth from it.
When I started to become unable to do work or school I fought it. I tried over and over again and I would have to stop going to my job or withdrawal from classes. I don't know how else to put it other than it sucked. The more I tried the worse my depression got when I wasn't able to do it. And the guilt! My god the guilt was eating me alive. I had to live with family and couldn't provide for myself. It was like my illness had cut me off at the knees and I was a child again. Thankfully most of this time has been blanked from my memory by ECT.
Now I'm on SSDI (Social Security Disability) and have been for going on three years. For a short amount of time I lived on my own but was forced to live with family after a hospitalization. Now I live with my dad by my own choice. I pay my share of things and he lets me drive his van when I need to. He works 5-6 days a week from 7 to 5 so I get the alone time my introvert side needs. But not being able to work or finish my degree still looms over me.
I think the easiest way to sum up my frustration and guilt is something I keep hearing, "Some of us work for a living." It's as if people really think I want to live this way. I don't know anyone who would ask for this. I could imagine if you earned enough money to retire but not working because you can't slowly eats at you. I try to remind myself that I get a check every month because I paid into SSDI for eight years but the things people say get to me sometimes. It's like no matter where I turn I am getting blamed for my mental illness.
I think the self doubt may be worse than the blame. People talk about what they're able to do and I start to question my illness. Maybe I could go back to work, maybe I could have children, maybe I could finish my degree, maybe I could live on my own. It's hard to tell yourself you can't. I mean, these are things I did so well before. And, for me, it's like a question that just hangs in the air. Could I volunteer or go back to school? Past experience says no, but maybe I'm well enough now? How will I know if I don't try? Could I live with the fallout if I fail again?
From my view of things I see a woman with a severe mental illness, from a family full of mental illness, that is in and out of the hospital, that cannot work or finish her degree, cannot have children, is hard to accept, that lives in guilt. Granted it's not all the time, but enough to make me question myself.
I try to remind myself that other people's view of what my life should be shouldn't matter, that my purpose is designed by me. People don't understand my circumstances and how could they? It's not something you can put into a few sentences. Just because other people are able to do all the things I can't, doesn't make me any less of a purposeful human being.
The biggest problem, however, is that I have been struggling for years to change my expectations. I have accepted that I have schizoaffective disorder and that has made getting treatment a million times easier. I have accepted that I have to take care of myself. I just keep hitting the wall when it comes to accepting how much my illness limits my life. I guess we're all a work in progress.
If I have learned anything over the last ten years it's that I have to take things at face value. I decide if what I hear/read/see means anything to me. I decide if I can trust it. I decide if I am going to give it the time of day. It's easier for me to decide that something doesn't apply to me when I remember that everything is relative.
I apologize for the lecture, I just needed to get some things down that were haunting me. A lot of this I'm about to talk about may seem like a recurring theme, but I write about what I think about.
Other than being sick basically all winter, my life is in a decent place now. Maybe even a good place, if I could refocus my view of success and purpose. When I started working at 14 I felt liberated. At first I enjoyed the money and being able to develop relationships outside of school. After some time I started to appreciate that my hard work was recognized. I was always good at school, but no one really seemed to notice. I got straight A's but my brother skipped a grade so I didn't have much to say. I took pride in doing well at work and school and felt a real sense of self worth from it.
When I started to become unable to do work or school I fought it. I tried over and over again and I would have to stop going to my job or withdrawal from classes. I don't know how else to put it other than it sucked. The more I tried the worse my depression got when I wasn't able to do it. And the guilt! My god the guilt was eating me alive. I had to live with family and couldn't provide for myself. It was like my illness had cut me off at the knees and I was a child again. Thankfully most of this time has been blanked from my memory by ECT.
Now I'm on SSDI (Social Security Disability) and have been for going on three years. For a short amount of time I lived on my own but was forced to live with family after a hospitalization. Now I live with my dad by my own choice. I pay my share of things and he lets me drive his van when I need to. He works 5-6 days a week from 7 to 5 so I get the alone time my introvert side needs. But not being able to work or finish my degree still looms over me.
I think the easiest way to sum up my frustration and guilt is something I keep hearing, "Some of us work for a living." It's as if people really think I want to live this way. I don't know anyone who would ask for this. I could imagine if you earned enough money to retire but not working because you can't slowly eats at you. I try to remind myself that I get a check every month because I paid into SSDI for eight years but the things people say get to me sometimes. It's like no matter where I turn I am getting blamed for my mental illness.
I think the self doubt may be worse than the blame. People talk about what they're able to do and I start to question my illness. Maybe I could go back to work, maybe I could have children, maybe I could finish my degree, maybe I could live on my own. It's hard to tell yourself you can't. I mean, these are things I did so well before. And, for me, it's like a question that just hangs in the air. Could I volunteer or go back to school? Past experience says no, but maybe I'm well enough now? How will I know if I don't try? Could I live with the fallout if I fail again?
From my view of things I see a woman with a severe mental illness, from a family full of mental illness, that is in and out of the hospital, that cannot work or finish her degree, cannot have children, is hard to accept, that lives in guilt. Granted it's not all the time, but enough to make me question myself.
I try to remind myself that other people's view of what my life should be shouldn't matter, that my purpose is designed by me. People don't understand my circumstances and how could they? It's not something you can put into a few sentences. Just because other people are able to do all the things I can't, doesn't make me any less of a purposeful human being.
The biggest problem, however, is that I have been struggling for years to change my expectations. I have accepted that I have schizoaffective disorder and that has made getting treatment a million times easier. I have accepted that I have to take care of myself. I just keep hitting the wall when it comes to accepting how much my illness limits my life. I guess we're all a work in progress.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Jennifer Lawrence talks about stigma at the Oscars
Jennifer stars in Silver Linings Playbook which is a movie about mental illness. She won an Oscar for best actress and in the post-show interview she talks about the stigma surrounding mental illness. After that she answers question as her hilarious charming self. Watch the whole thing for a giggle.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Changes, Changes, Changes...
Just
a heads up, I made some changes to the blog. Hopefully it is more reader
friendly now. I moved the "Recommended Links" to it's own page
and added some. I also put up a page of quotes (mostly what I have posted
on Facebook). And, last but not least, I made a Tumblr page where I will
be posting all of my entries on (just a copy of what I post on the original
blog) so hopefully I can reach a bigger audience. For now I only added
this years' posts. Check it out: http://memoirsofaschizophrenic.tumblr.com/
Friday, February 22, 2013
Here We Go Again
I want to update you real quick about the symptoms I had in my last entry in January. I was having hallucinations and anxiety at night that my psychiatrist didn't want to treat. Since then the hallucinations have slowed to occasionally and the anxiety is gone. Apparently the psychiatrist knew what he was talking about. Now, on to new issues.
For over a month I had been working out 5-6 days a week. I did about 30 minutes of cardio and 45 minutes of body weight toning exercises. I was also tracking my calorie intake using an app on my phone and using a pedometer. Today is day 5 of no exercise and no calorie tracking. It's also day 4 of taking several "naps" a day and not putting on my pedometer. Last night I realized I am slipping into depression.
This seems to happen easily when I get sick and I've had a sinus infection for some time. I put off going to the doctor because I was hoping it would clear on it's own. With a sinus infection my daily headaches are even worse and I start spending more time in bed. Antibiotics always seem to make me feel drained and, while I argue with myself all day about it, I never seem to make it to the treadmill. And I also have a hard time convincing myself to shower if I'm not soaked with sweat. Ahh, lack of motivation.
Not only have I lost interest in my workout routine and healthy eating, I'm losing interest in cooking and finding new recipes. The cleaning and housework I was doing automatically I am starting to dread the thought of doing them. The only interest I really have is in going back to bed.
I find myself thinking about the relationships I don't have and everything that's wrong with me that will keep me from having them. When I'm not depressed I am content with my introvert lifestyle. My goal of losing weight and toning up was enough for me, until now. I'm lonely and I find myself looking to movies and tv for comfort, which basically reminds me even further of the relationships I don't have.
I chose not to move to Cedar Rapids as I had planned because my financial situation just wasn't right. Now I sit here thinking about all the things (or people) I could have had there. Of course those thoughts are followed up by thoughts about how much energy it takes to have those things/people, not to mention the anxiety involved. A lot of the time I don't even feel like texting anyone and I definitely don't feel like leaving the house.
I know my coping skills and writing here is one of them. Check that off the list. I know that working out makes me feel better if I can get over the mental battle. Stopping isolation is a good one. And not letting myself sleep all day. Putting makeup on and doing my hair sometimes makes me feel better. And focusing on something productive. I am going to try to fight this by doing whatever I can to make myself feel better. I hope I can keep from getting out of control.
For over a month I had been working out 5-6 days a week. I did about 30 minutes of cardio and 45 minutes of body weight toning exercises. I was also tracking my calorie intake using an app on my phone and using a pedometer. Today is day 5 of no exercise and no calorie tracking. It's also day 4 of taking several "naps" a day and not putting on my pedometer. Last night I realized I am slipping into depression.
This seems to happen easily when I get sick and I've had a sinus infection for some time. I put off going to the doctor because I was hoping it would clear on it's own. With a sinus infection my daily headaches are even worse and I start spending more time in bed. Antibiotics always seem to make me feel drained and, while I argue with myself all day about it, I never seem to make it to the treadmill. And I also have a hard time convincing myself to shower if I'm not soaked with sweat. Ahh, lack of motivation.
Not only have I lost interest in my workout routine and healthy eating, I'm losing interest in cooking and finding new recipes. The cleaning and housework I was doing automatically I am starting to dread the thought of doing them. The only interest I really have is in going back to bed.
I find myself thinking about the relationships I don't have and everything that's wrong with me that will keep me from having them. When I'm not depressed I am content with my introvert lifestyle. My goal of losing weight and toning up was enough for me, until now. I'm lonely and I find myself looking to movies and tv for comfort, which basically reminds me even further of the relationships I don't have.
I chose not to move to Cedar Rapids as I had planned because my financial situation just wasn't right. Now I sit here thinking about all the things (or people) I could have had there. Of course those thoughts are followed up by thoughts about how much energy it takes to have those things/people, not to mention the anxiety involved. A lot of the time I don't even feel like texting anyone and I definitely don't feel like leaving the house.
I know my coping skills and writing here is one of them. Check that off the list. I know that working out makes me feel better if I can get over the mental battle. Stopping isolation is a good one. And not letting myself sleep all day. Putting makeup on and doing my hair sometimes makes me feel better. And focusing on something productive. I am going to try to fight this by doing whatever I can to make myself feel better. I hope I can keep from getting out of control.
What do you mean stroke?
I want to start by apologizing that it's been so long since my last entry. I tried to write several times but I just couldn't put my thoughts together. I'm going to do my best to remember everything I wanted to say. So many things have happened in the last month. I'm going to break it up into more than one entry so it's easier to read than one realllllly long entry.
About a week after my past entry I was sitting at home and I started having vision problems in my left eye. There was a zigzag light and it was like I had a blind spot in my peripheral vision. I tried calling the optometrist in town but it was a Saturday and the receptionist didn't know what for me to do. My doctor's office has an emergency number on their voicemail to call, but no one called back when I left a message. After about five minutes I went to stand up to go upstairs and my left leg wouldn't work. I immediately started to freak out. My dad was at work and I knew there was no way I could drive so I called 911. They asked me a bunch of questions while they sent the ambulance. And then they asked me if I'd ever had a stroke before. I haven't but just the idea that I could be having one made me freak out even more.
When the ambulance got here they took my vitals and checked me out. During that time I lost feeling in my left arm and the side of my face. Once they heard my psych diagnosis they immediately asked me if there was anything going on in my life or with my mental illness that had upset me lately. There wasn't. They had me hold up my arms and turn them inward with my eyes closed. My left arm came up but it didn't turn.
Once they got me in the ambulance they ran an EKG and put in a IV. They gave me oxygen. The 911 operated had called my dad for me and he showed up a few minutes before we left for the hospital. They wouldn't let him ride along. On the ride to the hospital I heard them on the radio saying I had stroke symptoms and to have the CT ready.
When we got there they rushed me to CT and a bunch of nurses and the doctor came in and they asked me a million questions. After the CT they started running tests and having me do this and that. The doctor looked me over and I tried to explain my diagnoses. I explained the occipital neuralgia which causes me to have chronic headaches and migraines. She asked me if I had a headache that day and I said yes and that I still had one. I explained it was only on the right side and it wasn't like my normal migraines. They gave me some pain medication and soon my body seemed to work better. The doctor came in and said that they thought I was having a migraine with an aura but they wanted to check the CT results to make sure it wasn't a stroke. Before then I had never had aura.
The CT results came back and everything looked good. They gave me more pain medication and after about 20 minutes they discharged me. They told me to be sure to see my family doctor and to give my neurologist a call.
I have since seen my family doctor who tried to help by changing my migraine prevention medication. Unfortunately it didn't help and it dropped my blood pressure way too low. I have an appointment at my neurologist's office on March 14.
I have had chronic headaches and migraines for a long time and they limit what I can do which really sucks. Sometimes I try to just push through and do what I had planned anyway, which works sometimes, but mostly it just puts me in a really bad mood which ruins whatever I'm doing. Now I worry that I will have an "aura" at a dangerous time, like when I'm driving or on the treadmill. So far I haven't had another one and I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that it won't happen again.
About a week after my past entry I was sitting at home and I started having vision problems in my left eye. There was a zigzag light and it was like I had a blind spot in my peripheral vision. I tried calling the optometrist in town but it was a Saturday and the receptionist didn't know what for me to do. My doctor's office has an emergency number on their voicemail to call, but no one called back when I left a message. After about five minutes I went to stand up to go upstairs and my left leg wouldn't work. I immediately started to freak out. My dad was at work and I knew there was no way I could drive so I called 911. They asked me a bunch of questions while they sent the ambulance. And then they asked me if I'd ever had a stroke before. I haven't but just the idea that I could be having one made me freak out even more.
When the ambulance got here they took my vitals and checked me out. During that time I lost feeling in my left arm and the side of my face. Once they heard my psych diagnosis they immediately asked me if there was anything going on in my life or with my mental illness that had upset me lately. There wasn't. They had me hold up my arms and turn them inward with my eyes closed. My left arm came up but it didn't turn.
Once they got me in the ambulance they ran an EKG and put in a IV. They gave me oxygen. The 911 operated had called my dad for me and he showed up a few minutes before we left for the hospital. They wouldn't let him ride along. On the ride to the hospital I heard them on the radio saying I had stroke symptoms and to have the CT ready.
When we got there they rushed me to CT and a bunch of nurses and the doctor came in and they asked me a million questions. After the CT they started running tests and having me do this and that. The doctor looked me over and I tried to explain my diagnoses. I explained the occipital neuralgia which causes me to have chronic headaches and migraines. She asked me if I had a headache that day and I said yes and that I still had one. I explained it was only on the right side and it wasn't like my normal migraines. They gave me some pain medication and soon my body seemed to work better. The doctor came in and said that they thought I was having a migraine with an aura but they wanted to check the CT results to make sure it wasn't a stroke. Before then I had never had aura.
The CT results came back and everything looked good. They gave me more pain medication and after about 20 minutes they discharged me. They told me to be sure to see my family doctor and to give my neurologist a call.
I have since seen my family doctor who tried to help by changing my migraine prevention medication. Unfortunately it didn't help and it dropped my blood pressure way too low. I have an appointment at my neurologist's office on March 14.
I have had chronic headaches and migraines for a long time and they limit what I can do which really sucks. Sometimes I try to just push through and do what I had planned anyway, which works sometimes, but mostly it just puts me in a really bad mood which ruins whatever I'm doing. Now I worry that I will have an "aura" at a dangerous time, like when I'm driving or on the treadmill. So far I haven't had another one and I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that it won't happen again.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Worried
Yesterday I saw my psychiatrist and it didn't go as well as I had hoped. He made no med changes even though I'm having trouble sleeping and having hallucinations. They're kind of intertwined. Let me explain.
For the past couple of months I have been waking up during the night, sometimes multiple times, to visual hallucinations. I see huge spiders, a hill of moving bugs, a swinging chandelier, my cat, bugs or mice scattering; I think you get the point. It scares me, sometimes even to the point where I inadvertently scream. The hallucinations go away after about 30 seconds to a minute, but even when they go away I'm almost choking with anxiety. Needless to say, it sucks. Plus I've started having anxiety about going to sleep. It sometimes takes me hours to get to sleep.
Right now I'm on 700mg of Seroquel (300mg in the AM, 400mg at PM). For those of you who don't know, it's an antipsychotic and is meant to control hallucinations (among other things). The medications I was taking for sleep were stopped when I was in the hospital. I haven't been on anything for anxiety in a long time.
I explained the hallucinations to my psychiatrist, but I didn't really get a chance to explain the anxiety. He said he didn't want to increase the Seroquel and that it would hopefully go away. He had me schedule in two months.
The situation worries me for a few reasons, one of which is that I wonder how bad it has to be for my psychiatrist to change my meds? Yesterday was only my second appointment with him and I haven't really had time to get a feel of how he works. What if things get worse and he doesn't want to change anything? What if I have to go into the hospital because he waits too long?
Another reason I'm worried is because I've never had hallucinations like this before. They say it's normal for your symptoms to change over time but the idea that I could completely lose touch with reality scares the hell out of me. What if meds stop working completely and they put me in a care facility for the rest of my life? What if I get so sick that I can't keep relationships? What if I get so sick that I don't know I'm sick anymore?
The other reason that I am concerned about the whole situation has to do with dating. I want to be clear in saying I am single, am not dating anyone, and know few people where I live. But if I were to date someone, not only would I have to explain that I'm crazy and can't have kids, but now would have to explain that I sometimes wake up screaming multiple times a night for reasons I can't explain. How could I expect someone to understand? This is more a problem, in my mind, if the hallucinations don't go away.
Honestly I wish he would have changed something with my medication. Sure medication changes are difficult but then I wouldn't feel like I'm hanging on a ledge all my myself.
In other news I put on an old pair of jeans at the bottom of my dresser and (YAY!) they fit!! I've been working my ass off and this is just validation of my efforts. It also helps that I just feel better on days I work out. I've been watching my calories with an app called Lose It which is on the web and on my phone. I'm not insanely strict, but I keep an eye on it. I've also stopped drinking my beloved Diet Dr. Pepper and replaced it with water.
Speaking of my workouts, I want to talk about something I have a really hard time with: Guilt. Yesterday I was feeling really tired and kind of depressed. I decided not to do my workout and felt horrible about it. When I got up this morning I realized that skipping my workout was just the best thing for me at that time. I've been working on it for a long time but reminding yourself that you shouldn't feel guilty for taking care of yourself is so important, especially with a mental illness. It is not your fault you have a mental illness and you should always give yourself credit for taking care of yourself.
I will be making some changes to the blog in the near future so don't forget to check it out. Take care.
For the past couple of months I have been waking up during the night, sometimes multiple times, to visual hallucinations. I see huge spiders, a hill of moving bugs, a swinging chandelier, my cat, bugs or mice scattering; I think you get the point. It scares me, sometimes even to the point where I inadvertently scream. The hallucinations go away after about 30 seconds to a minute, but even when they go away I'm almost choking with anxiety. Needless to say, it sucks. Plus I've started having anxiety about going to sleep. It sometimes takes me hours to get to sleep.
Right now I'm on 700mg of Seroquel (300mg in the AM, 400mg at PM). For those of you who don't know, it's an antipsychotic and is meant to control hallucinations (among other things). The medications I was taking for sleep were stopped when I was in the hospital. I haven't been on anything for anxiety in a long time.
I explained the hallucinations to my psychiatrist, but I didn't really get a chance to explain the anxiety. He said he didn't want to increase the Seroquel and that it would hopefully go away. He had me schedule in two months.
The situation worries me for a few reasons, one of which is that I wonder how bad it has to be for my psychiatrist to change my meds? Yesterday was only my second appointment with him and I haven't really had time to get a feel of how he works. What if things get worse and he doesn't want to change anything? What if I have to go into the hospital because he waits too long?
Another reason I'm worried is because I've never had hallucinations like this before. They say it's normal for your symptoms to change over time but the idea that I could completely lose touch with reality scares the hell out of me. What if meds stop working completely and they put me in a care facility for the rest of my life? What if I get so sick that I can't keep relationships? What if I get so sick that I don't know I'm sick anymore?
The other reason that I am concerned about the whole situation has to do with dating. I want to be clear in saying I am single, am not dating anyone, and know few people where I live. But if I were to date someone, not only would I have to explain that I'm crazy and can't have kids, but now would have to explain that I sometimes wake up screaming multiple times a night for reasons I can't explain. How could I expect someone to understand? This is more a problem, in my mind, if the hallucinations don't go away.
Honestly I wish he would have changed something with my medication. Sure medication changes are difficult but then I wouldn't feel like I'm hanging on a ledge all my myself.
In other news I put on an old pair of jeans at the bottom of my dresser and (YAY!) they fit!! I've been working my ass off and this is just validation of my efforts. It also helps that I just feel better on days I work out. I've been watching my calories with an app called Lose It which is on the web and on my phone. I'm not insanely strict, but I keep an eye on it. I've also stopped drinking my beloved Diet Dr. Pepper and replaced it with water.
Speaking of my workouts, I want to talk about something I have a really hard time with: Guilt. Yesterday I was feeling really tired and kind of depressed. I decided not to do my workout and felt horrible about it. When I got up this morning I realized that skipping my workout was just the best thing for me at that time. I've been working on it for a long time but reminding yourself that you shouldn't feel guilty for taking care of yourself is so important, especially with a mental illness. It is not your fault you have a mental illness and you should always give yourself credit for taking care of yourself.
I will be making some changes to the blog in the near future so don't forget to check it out. Take care.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
I'm Still Alive
I know it's been a long time since I've posted. The depression I had been battling landed me in the hospital. I didn't hurt myself, but I was seriously thinking about it. I spent two weeks on the psychiatric ward and many of my medications were changed. Now I am taking Lithium and Effexor XR with my regular health medications. I made friends with a few people on the ward, which helped pass the time.
Once I was released back home I realized that I wasn't as better as I thought I was. I slept more than I should have and was still depressed. It took a couple of weeks but I was finally feeling better. Then I got sick, not just once, but four times in a row. They used different antibiotics and now, after what seemed like forever, I feel better.
In the last few days I have been exercising with the hopes it will help my mental and physical health. My dad and I cleaned out the cupboards and the fridge and bought healthy groceries. So far it's going well. A couple of weeks after I got out of the hospital the doctor said I had lost 12 lbs. Plus I have a few more in the past few days. It helps that I haven't had much of an appetite since I started the Lithium. I've found most of my exercises on (my guilty pleasure) Pinterest. Some of the pins are full of empty promises (Lose 10 lbs over 2 days, etc.) But if you check them out you can find good ones.
Anyway, what have I forgotten? Christmas was good, a lot of people showed up. New Years was boring, I didn't even make it until midnight. I can't really think of anything else.
Hope you enjoyed the holidays and sorry it took so long for this post.
Once I was released back home I realized that I wasn't as better as I thought I was. I slept more than I should have and was still depressed. It took a couple of weeks but I was finally feeling better. Then I got sick, not just once, but four times in a row. They used different antibiotics and now, after what seemed like forever, I feel better.
In the last few days I have been exercising with the hopes it will help my mental and physical health. My dad and I cleaned out the cupboards and the fridge and bought healthy groceries. So far it's going well. A couple of weeks after I got out of the hospital the doctor said I had lost 12 lbs. Plus I have a few more in the past few days. It helps that I haven't had much of an appetite since I started the Lithium. I've found most of my exercises on (my guilty pleasure) Pinterest. Some of the pins are full of empty promises (Lose 10 lbs over 2 days, etc.) But if you check them out you can find good ones.
Anyway, what have I forgotten? Christmas was good, a lot of people showed up. New Years was boring, I didn't even make it until midnight. I can't really think of anything else.
Hope you enjoyed the holidays and sorry it took so long for this post.
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