2014

Even though I knew the next year was coming I only just now realized it will be 2014.  I'll be 27 in just a couple of months.  My mind tells me I'm not ready for this.  Anxiety is building while I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to prepare for 2014 but I know there's nothing I can do.  I will stumble into the new year the same person I am now and that scares me.

In other news it has been just over a year since my last inpatient stay.  That is a record for me and I think I have my living situation and my increased self awareness to thank for that.  Living with my "dad" has helped because I'm not always alone, but I have plenty of alone time.  He's willing to help me with anything I need.  And by self awareness I mean that I can read my body better and understand my illness better than I ever have before simply because I have the experience.  I know when to ask for help before it's too late which is something I appreciate about myself.

I'm not sure if I have talked about my wanting to get involved in advocating for the "mentally ill" but it's been something of great interest to me.  I tried several things and have read and heard about a lot of horrible things that are happening to people with mental illnesses.  I want to advocate but reading these articles and hearing just how bad it is makes me depressed and angry (as it should) and until I'm in a better place mentally I simply can't do it.  I feel guilty because I know people need help and things need changed, but with it putting such a drain on me emotionally I have to choose to stay away from articles and videos that talk about how bad the mental health system is and how we need to fight the stigma.  It sucks because I want to help and I want to know what's going on but that's just putting my mental health in jeopardy.  Sigh....  Instead I will write this blog and try to show people it's ok to have a mental illness and life can go on.

I hate the term "mentally ill" because it implies that people with mental health issues never have good days and we're just always sick.  I know everyone is individual in their symptoms and health but do we really have paint such a gloomy damn picture with just one word?

Christmas with my family was stressful, but good.  I made dinner Christmas Eve here at my house and brought it to my grandparents two hours from my house on Christmas day.  Everyone was happy with the food I made and only one person asked me if dinner was ready yet when I was warming things up.  I hate when they keep asking me and they all stare at me expecting me to magically make dinner ready.  We set a time and it's done by that time.  I stayed with my cousin Michelle and my cousins because the roads were too crappy to make it home.  We had fun playing games and watching a movie until bedtime.

Now it's time for "How is Jen?"  I'm feeling very worthless.  I know what you're thinking...that I made dinner for all those people and that people would miss me if I wasn't there.  I just wish I could get a job or go back to school or have the energy and motivation to keep the house clean all the time.  I wish, I wish, I wish....I know I should be grateful that things aren't worse but when you're depressed it's hard to gain perspective.  I still feel like I'm treading water, nowhere to go, nothing to do, just keep afloat.  We increased my antidepressant at my appointment last week.  He wants me to keep a journal of how things are going with each of my problems; depression, anxiety, hallucinations, and sleep.  I'm just supposed to rate each, during the day and at night, by a number 1-10.  I've never kept a journal like this before so it will be interesting to see how it turns out.

Thanks to my medication and, I'll admit, my poor diet I've put back on the 20 lbs I lost.  I want to start to do yoga again and try to get on the treadmill sometimes.  I've slowly started changing my diet by switching to diet soda and my next hope is to get a decent blender to start drinking shakes for breakfast instead of my waffles.  Slow it goes because my motivation just isn't great right now.

I hope everyone has safe holidays and wish me luck in the new year.

????

I can't think of a title and my mind has been pretty absent lately so question marks is what I've got.

Since my last post my psychiatrist changed a lot of my medication around leaving me to taper off two meds and just stop taking another.  He increased the dose on some other medication to balance things out.  I made sure to do the taper slowly and didn't have any problems except for the fact that I can't get to sleep or stay asleep at night.  No naps.  My tremor worsened and then got better.  I can't think straight most of the time and even left my purse (with everything in it) in a parking lot at the store.  I can't remember words to say.  I feel stupid and I'm sure that's how I look too.  I've been trying to make it harder for me to forget things like setting alarms, having separate pill cases, and putting things in the same place every time.  I'm having a hard time, right now, remembering what I wanted to write about.

My biological father had serious surgery on his abdomen so I went to Iowa City to make sure everything came out ok.  They weren't able to complete the surgery but they knew that was possible before they went in.  It was weird hanging out with his family.  He is remarried and has two step children.  Luckily his mom is very chatty about absolutely nothing so it filled in some awkward moments.

On my trip I also went to an interview to see if I could be park of a research study for people who get frequent migraines and also has depression.  They decided that with my medication changes (at that time I was still tapering) that I wouldn't be a good candidate for their study.  I was still paid for my time at the interview so that helped a lot with the trip being three hours each way.

While I was at my mom's I met the boy my brother thinks may be his.  They look so much alike it's hard to question it but I don't want to assume anything until a paternity test is done.  They are waiting until a better time to do the test which I know sounds like an excuse but they have very good reasons and my brother is one of the smartest people I know.  The child, Jason, made me cry a little.  I'm so happy my brother gets to be a father figure in a young (13 months) boy's life but children, even my dad's half-grown step children, makes me think about the things I can't have.  Not being able to have children is the best decision I ever made, but it still haunts me.  I'm pretty sure it always will.

When I came home and I got sick.  I wasn't directly in contact with people who were sick but definitely indirectly.  I couldn't even tell what was wrong I was fighting a fever so badly.  One minute I was a hundred million degrees and the next I was an icicle and the next I was both at once.  After a few days of fighting it I went to the doctor.  They did a swab that said it was not the flu but they weren't sure what it was.  After a couple of days of antibiotics I'm better than I was but I've got a ways to go to being healthy.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday and hopefully we can do something about how my brain has run off on it's own and checks in periodically.  I hope he has some plan on what to do about my hallucinations.  Apparently I'm stuck with my tremor and newly developed dry mouth as long as I take these medications.  Oh, the things we put up with to try to be normal.