Women and Our Bodies

"I suspect it’s difficult for men to imagine a world in which their bodies have long been inextricably linked to their value as an individual, and that no matter how encouraging your parents were or how many positive female role models you had or how self-confident you feel, there is an ever-present pressure that creeps in from all sides, whispering in your ear that you are your body and your body defines you. A world where, from the time of pubescence on, you can feel the constant and palpable weight of the male gaze, and not just from your male peers but from teachers and sports coaches and the fathers of the children you baby-sit, people you’re supposed to respect and trust and look up to, and that first realization that you are being looked at in that way is the beginning of a self-consciousness that you will be unable to shake for the rest of your life. Even if they are never verbalized, the rules of bodily conduct for females become clear early on: when school administrators reprimand you for the inch of midriff that shows when you lift your hands straight in the air or youth group leaders tell you that the sight of your unintentional cleavage is what causes godly young men to fall, you learn that your body is dangerous and shameful and that it’s your responsibility to cloister it in a way that is acceptable to everyone else. You learn that your body is a topic of public debate that everyone is entitled to weigh in on, from a male classmate telling you that those jeans make your ass look huge to the male-dominated United States Congress dictating the parameters that rape must fall within to be considered legitimate. To be a woman, and to live life in a woman’s body, is to be held to a set of comically paradoxical standards that make you constantly second-guess yourself and jump through a million hoops in pursuit of an impossible perfection." 

Kendall Goodwin
http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/stop-catcalling-me/

National Mental Health Awareness Month

I will most likely write a longer rant about this later but here is a link to President Obama's proclamation that May is now National Mental Health Awareness Month:

http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/04/30/presidential-proclamation-national-mental-health-awareness-month-2013

And my immediate reaction:

While it’s true that this is a great step in the direction ending the stigma that surrounds people with mental illness, it seems that the speech purposefully left out any form of one of the most stigmatized illness: Schizophrenia. Not only are they tiptoeing around sensitive parts of the issue, they are completely ignoring the fact that these people that they are urging to get help are going to be faced with having to wait 2-3 months for an appointment after they search for a place that will actually accept a new patient. And the “treatment” they receive from there? Not to mention what they have to go through if they’re hospitalized. Thanks for the empty gesture but the mental health system needs help and that sure the hell isn’t it.

So I'm Pretty Much a Liar

I know, I know, I said I would write an entry this past weekend and I didn't post anything.  I partially wrote something and it was pretty much crap so I scrapped it.  After having been sick for absolutely forever (or since February) I finally started feeling better around the end of last week.  Between then and now I've gotten a ton of things done and it really helped that the weather was absolutely gorgeous.  I will try to fill you in on everything that's happened.

So because I had been sick for so long they did blood work that showed my thyroid level is somewhat off but not out of normal range.  Everything else was normal.  Several areas of my lymph nodes have been swollen for a long time and became unbearably painful for several days so my doctor felt them and found lumps under one of my arms.  They did a mammogram and ultrasound and found nothing.  The pain passed and my lymph nodes are still swollen.  I saw an otolaryngologist (ear, nose, and throat specialist) for my sinuses and he said that it wasn't an infection, just inflammation.  The nasal spray he gave me has completely solved my sinus problems.  So other than my swollen lymph nodes and feeling a little tired, physically I feel good.

I started to see my therapist again because I was having a hard time dealing with some of my emotions.  Mostly I was having a hard time dealing with my feelings about not being able to have children.  Reminders are everywhere.  And one day I was laying down for awhile on the couch and I just thought, "I could be spending this time with my child."  And there's the fact that a girl I was best friends with for part of high school just had her fifth child.  People out taking their kids for walks to park, and me taking my cat out to play in the back yard.  Which she loves by the way.  Sigh...

I was also getting really angry with the way people were talking about Social Security Disability and people with mental illness.  Just the image that comes into people's minds when they think of those things.  It's such a catch 22 when you're fighting these things because people's prejudices and discrimination can really make your life hell if you tell people but you can't change the way people see things without showing them they're wrong.  All the talk about the Sandy Hook shooting and restricting the gun rights and privacy of the mentally ill was making me really angry.  Plus the people on top of that talking about people on SSDI being too lazy to work.  It all just came to a head when someone posted this on Facebook:

"How did the greatest, most industrious nation on earth become the land of government dependent whiners???? 80 million people nursing off mother government is beyond excessive.” 
“What happened to an attitude of pride in being self sufficient?”

I posted this on my status:

"I think people misunderstand what Social Security Disability is. People think we are leeching off the government because we are lazy and we don't want to work. While there are always exceptions, people who are on disability simply cannot work. Only 34% of people who apply for SSDI actually get approved and most of those people have to appeal at least once and many have to get a lawyer. They have to prove they can't work with documentation and doctor's information. And people forget the fact that these people PAID social security taxes in order to be able to draw the benefits if they did become disabled. That's what Social Security Disability In[come] is. Elderly people paid social security taxes for years so when they retire they could draw social security benefits. Medicare is there for the same reason. And HOW DARE these people apply for these benefits they have paid for?! How ignorant." 

She later put something on her page saying she didn't mean disabled or elderly people.  I can see how I may have overreacted slightly, but I needed to get my point across.  And exactly what does the 80 million include then?  I got my 34% from the government statistics.  Where did you get yours?

Because I was feeling better I felt it was a good idea to go out and spend about $700 on my credit card.  I was worried about mania for awhile but there was no change in my need for sleep and certainly no euphoria.  I really needed the stuff I got.  It was all stuff I had been putting off forever.  I don’t feel any guilt so what I thought was going to be a crisis is actually no big deal.

Mental health wise I think things are going great.  There have been a few times where I've felt that I was going to tip one way or the other but it was just a mild blip on the radar.  I really think I have the lithium to thank for that.  It makes me pretty angry to think about it because I can remember more than once that my doctors have chosen not to try it because it was too much work.  Who knows where the hell I would be if I would have been stable years ago.  Assholes.  But it’s nice to be stable now.  I do want to warn that stability could mean fewer posts because sometimes I don't feel like I have anything you really want to read about.  I do hope to do some advocacy stuff and I will keep you updated on any of that.

I've been mulling over this idea that if I presented a case of a person with, say, Alzheimer's (or another brain disease), getting the treatment of a person with mental illness, would people find it acceptable?  I'm not talking giving them crazy meds, I mean putting them in the hospital with drug and alcohol patients (which limits the number of their beds), restricting the length of hospital stay regardless of progress (except in extreme cases), sending patients to RCFs (residential care facilities) that are under staffed, with staff who have no training in Alzheimer's care or medication, where they can only see a doctor every three months, where they are given no privacy, no choices,...etc, etc, etc.  My point is, if we could get people to really see mentally ill people as they actually are, take the fear away, take the unknown away, would people actually let this 'treatment' happen?  Maybe by comparing mental illness to something people understand we could really get somewhere.

Anyway, I got a whole bunch of stuff done this weekend while it was nice and now it's going to snow.  That's right, it's May and it's going to snow.  Gotta love Iowa.  I leave you with Kitty's modeling pics: