Empty

My mother has always been selfish, jealous, and manipulative.  I have cut her out of my life several times and it has always been for the best.  And then I have always been backed into a corner where I needed help and had no choice but to ask her.  And she loved it.  She made me feel guilty about everything in my life from as far back as I can remember and made fun of me for not knowing how to do things she was supposed to teach me.  She chose herself at every chance and left me six months after my first suicide attempt at 16 years old.  When I have tried to tell her about my pain and explain about my limitations she didn't listen to me.  The little she did help me with she held against me every chance she got.  And I chose once again to cut her from my life.

My brother has been barely taking care of the apartment since the pain has gotten to be too much for me to help.  He waits weeks to take out the trash, forcing me to leave rotting garbage.  He has lied and stolen from me, and lied about stealing from me to my face.  And then he let his air conditioner leak into the floor, severely damaging the apartment below us.  Because we were barely making it by, I borrowed money and got us another apartment to avoid the eviction we would be facing when couldn't pay the damages.  He decided he was tired of “helping” me with the limitations and tired of me getting angry when he yells at me.  He doesn't want to deal with me.

I understand that I am supposed to keep fighting to keep from hurting people.  What I don’t understand is why these people who won’t help me, who make me realize that I have nothing to give and all I am doing is taking, what difference does it make.

With depression, I know that things can help and it can get better.  But with this pain, the things they tell me that will help, don’t, and the things that could they won’t give me because of my history.

No one wants to hear how scared I am that it really is fibromyalgia because they can't help me, so I just want it to be something I can actually fight, not suffer from.  No wants to hear anything.  They just want me to pay their bills, and take out the trash, and clean the apartment, and take them places, and be their friend when they need something.  And I can’t.  I can’t even contribute to a normal conversation because what do normal people even talk about?

How am I supposed to live like this?

Worthlessness and Anger

I am so scared and I am so disappointed in the woman I have become.  No one understands.  And I am so angry.  And I am so fucking tired of the pain.  Am I really expected to live another 60 years in ever-increasing pain? Of new pains and the old pains getting worse and worse and worse...really?  I barely lived through accepting my limited life with mental illness and now I’m expected accept this shit?  While doctors question whether I’m actually in pain like they used to question whether I was actually anxious, or depressed, or suicidal, or hallucinating.  But this time it’s not because I’m young, it’s because my chart says I’m fucking crazy and I had chronic pain when I was diagnosed crazy so any pain is seen as a “somatic disorder”.  Or in your fucking head.  That’s right, not only does my chart say that I’m fucking crazy, but it also says that my crazy makes me think I’m in pain.  But wait, there's more!  I was stupid enough to admit that years ago I used some drugs recreationally and then again last year to deal with all this fucking pain.  None of this had ever shown up on a test, I was just stupid enough to think being honest was best.  So not only does my chart say I am crazy balls, that my crazy balls thinks I am in pain when I’m not, but I am also a substance abuser.

Anyway, my point is I don’t know what is wrong with me and that is scary.  My anxiety makes it scarier.  And, no one will even acknowledge the parts that are genuinely scary.  I have nothing to give and cannot even take care of myself or my home on my own anymore.  I am worthless.  I am incredibly angry at the situation and the people who are making this harder, including myself.  And I am depressed and tired.

A Real Look At My Life

I have been sick in one way or another for over six months.  My pain has stopped coming and going and is now constant.  It, instead, gets excruciating in certain areas.  None of the medications they gave me helped.  Because of all of the health issues I have isolated myself to my bedroom.

I have moved my TV to my bedroom and gathered as many pillows I could find.  I keep the light to a minimum (because of the never-ending migraine) and the captions turned on while I binge on Netflix to keep the volume low.  I usually have my ringer turned off or at the least on vibrate since when I don’t get all the sleep I can, everything is worse.  With my struggles to get to a comfortable body temperature I am using a combination of an electric blanket, a pile of regular blankets, an air conditioner, and a fan.  I am just trying to figure out how to feel the best that I can, no matter what is wrong with my body.

I don’t have it all figured out yet.  I have trouble with the shower because standing for awhile with the dizziness and joint pain makes me worry about falling.  Unfortunately, my tub is also difficult to get out of on my own and it has no cushion.  I have started to consider a bench for the shower since my skin is giving me issues.  I have tried wipes and lotions, but I think my next step is to try showering more often.  Money just happens to be an issue.

I have been on Social Security Disability for several years based on the diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder.  I have hardly enough money to live off of and going back to work is (obviously) still not an option.  All of these surprise medical issues that don’t get better are putting me in a place I never wanted to be.  It is bad enough that I can’t get up and go to work for a paycheck, but now I have to ask for help for basic things.  I am not elderly, I am 29 years old.  And I have to ask for people to carry things, wash my dishes, clean my messes, or do my laundry.  I struggled for so long to accept that I couldn't work, and now I have to struggle to accept that (hopefully in short periods) I can't always take care of myself.

My life, so far, has been paved with many experiences that most people never have to deal with.  I’m not the kind of person who finds meaning in the trite “What doesn't kill you makes you stronger” crap.  I would prefer to be oblivious to the problems I’ve had to deal with and learn by simply hearing from others and empathizing with them than suffering myself.  Anyone who says otherwise is lying to themselves.  What I do know for sure is how everything used to be in black and white, I now see how things are almost always in some shade of grey.  Motivation and point of view matter.  They ALWAYS matter.  And so I do my best to assume people have the best intentions and people make mistakes.  It makes reading things on social media a hell of a lot different.

Nonstop Health Issues

Unfortunately...well, maybe fortunately....it's a toss-up really...my blog is starting to focus more on physical issues than psychiatric ones.


While I have still been dealing with depression and anxiety, my physical health is a much bigger issue.  I have a migraine that has been going on for over a month and while it has improved with treatment, it never goes away completely and the pain always goes back to excruciating after 3 or 4 hours.  My neurologist has tried different infusion therapies with the same results.  When I go in for these treatments they can't get an IV and I'm covered in bruises.  I am taking a medication to prevent migraines but this one is not going away.  On a related note, I convinced my neurologist to do an MRI with contrast and it showed a small spot on the back left of my brain.  I’m not sure if it’s related, but I have static in my vision that never goes away, along with random white flashes.  The recommendation is to just repeat the MRI in six months, though with everything that is going on (and since the original MRI was before the migraine started) I am not sure what the course of treatment will be.

I have what they are calling a calcification growing above my teeth, left of my nose.  It has become very painful and seems to be pushing the teeth below it down, which is, in turn, putting pressure on the teeth on my lower jaw.  The pain extends into my sinus and up into my eye.  I have an appointment with an oral surgeon in a couple of weeks to figure out what is going on.

The rheumatologist called with the results to my tests.  There was one that came back positive, the p-anca, which she insists can be a false positive.  She said that the only real (but unlikely) possibility is vasculitis.  She said that it can cause problems head to toe and to get any problems checked out.  She is having me keep her updated via the online record system.  The information I read says that the only way to confirm vasculitis is through biopsies.

I had a colonoscopy and endoscopy done and, while they said they did not see anything, they took several biopsies.  I feel that I did, however, choose the wrong GI specialists to go to since I specifically remember screaming in pain multiple times during my colonoscopy.  I was not supposed to remember any of it.  And the nurse who called me with my biopsy results didn’t want to listen to anything I said or discuss possibilities.  They first said the biopsies looked like celiac disease but the follow-up blood tests showed that it is not.  I was told by my doctor that at the follow-up with GI they can do tests to show if it’s an intolerance issue.  The reading I did about celiac and intolerance said that the way they can tell on the biopsies is because of damage to the intestines.  My follow-up appointment is in a few weeks.

My last trip to the regular doctor was for ear pain and ringing and they said there was fluid but no infection in my ear.  They suggested it was most likely a sinus infection, yet the MRI I had the day before showed no inflammation or clouding in my sinuses.  I have finished my antibiotics and I am still sick.  A couple of days ago I when I was coughing up all kinds of stuff I was feeling the lymph nodes on my neck.  They are swollen, but on the bottom of the one on the left...well, it’s not just tender, it’s hard....like a hard lump.  I am going to to call my doctor Tuesday morning to see if they can get me in.

And to wrap up this list of kill-me-now crap, when I went grocery shopping on Friday I was having joint pain (as usual) and the migraine was complete with extreme nausea and sound, light, and smell sensitivity.  I know we all know the old “Don't go to the store hungry”, but have you ever tried going to go grocery shopping when the sight of food makes you gag and you can’t even think about eating?  I wore ear plugs to block out the screaming children (and adults actually) but about halfway through my joint and mouth pain, coupled with the nausea was too much.  I was in the middle of a huge store with nowhere to sit down and the left side of my upper body ached.  I was reduced to taking a ton of deep breaths to hold back my tears and leaning on the side of my cart to limp to the checkout.  I don’t think I will go grocery shopping by myself again, unless I am in much better health and I don’t need much.

I will wait until my next entry to write about how I’m settling into my very solitary life.  I will leave you with an apology for complaining.