Worried

Yesterday I saw my psychiatrist and it didn't go as well as I had hoped.  He made no med changes even though I'm having trouble sleeping and having hallucinations.  They're kind of intertwined.  Let me explain.

For the past couple of months I have been waking up during the night, sometimes multiple times, to visual hallucinations.  I see huge spiders, a hill of moving bugs, a swinging chandelier, my cat, bugs or mice scattering; I think you get the point.  It scares me, sometimes even to the point where I inadvertently scream.  The hallucinations go away after about 30 seconds to a minute, but even when they go away I'm almost choking with anxiety.  Needless to say, it sucks.  Plus I've started having anxiety about going to sleep.  It sometimes takes me hours to get to sleep.

Right now I'm on 700mg of Seroquel (300mg in the AM, 400mg at PM).  For those of you who don't know, it's an antipsychotic and is meant to control hallucinations (among other things).  The medications I was taking for sleep were stopped when I was in the hospital.  I haven't been on anything for anxiety in a long time.

I explained the hallucinations to my psychiatrist, but I didn't really get a chance to explain the anxiety.  He said he didn't want to increase the Seroquel and that it would hopefully go away.  He had me schedule in two months.

The situation worries me for a few reasons, one of which is that I wonder how bad it has to be for my psychiatrist to change my meds?  Yesterday was only my second appointment with him and I haven't really had time to get a feel of how he works.  What if things get worse and he doesn't want to change anything?  What if I have to go into the hospital because he waits too long?

Another reason I'm worried is because I've never had hallucinations like this before.  They say it's normal for your symptoms to change over time but the idea that I could completely lose touch with reality scares the hell out of me.  What if meds stop working completely and they put me in a care facility for the rest of my life?  What if I get so sick that I can't keep relationships?  What if I get so sick that I don't know I'm sick anymore?

The other reason that I am concerned about the whole situation has to do with dating.  I want to be clear in saying I am single, am not dating anyone, and know few people where I live.  But if I were to date someone, not only would I have to explain that I'm crazy and can't have kids, but now would have to explain that I sometimes wake up screaming multiple times a night for reasons I can't explain.  How could I expect someone to understand?  This is more a problem, in my mind, if the hallucinations don't go away.

Honestly I wish he would have changed something with my medication.  Sure medication changes are difficult but then I wouldn't feel like I'm hanging on a ledge all my myself.

In other news I put on an old pair of jeans at the bottom of my dresser and (YAY!) they fit!!  I've been working my ass off and this is just validation of my efforts.  It also helps that I just feel better on days I work out.  I've been watching my calories with an app called Lose It which is on the web and on my phone.  I'm not insanely strict, but I keep an eye on it.  I've also stopped drinking my beloved Diet Dr. Pepper and replaced it with water.

Speaking of my workouts, I want to talk about something I have a really hard time with:  Guilt.  Yesterday I was feeling really tired and kind of depressed.  I decided not to do my workout and felt horrible about it.  When I got up this morning I realized that skipping my workout was just the best thing for me at that time.  I've been working on it for a long time but reminding yourself that you shouldn't feel guilty for taking care of yourself is so important, especially with a mental illness.  It is not your fault you have a mental illness and you should always give yourself credit for taking care of yourself.

I will be making some changes to the blog in the near future so don't forget to check it out.  Take care.