Here We Go Again

I want to update you real quick about the symptoms I had in my last entry in January.  I was having hallucinations and anxiety at night that my psychiatrist didn't want to treat.  Since then the hallucinations have slowed to occasionally and the anxiety is gone.  Apparently the psychiatrist knew what he was talking about. Now, on to new issues.

For over a month I had been working out 5-6 days a week.  I did about 30 minutes of cardio and 45 minutes of body weight toning exercises.  I was also tracking my calorie intake using an app on my phone and using a pedometer.  Today is day 5 of no exercise and no calorie tracking.  It's also day 4 of taking several "naps" a day and not putting on my pedometer.  Last night I realized I am slipping into depression.

This seems to happen easily when I get sick and I've had a sinus infection for some time.  I put off going to the doctor because I was hoping it would clear on it's own.  With a sinus infection my daily headaches are even worse and I start spending more time in bed.  Antibiotics always seem to make me feel drained and, while I argue with myself all day about it, I never seem to make it to the treadmill.  And I also have a hard time convincing myself to shower if I'm not soaked with sweat.  Ahh, lack of motivation.

Not only have I lost interest in my workout routine and healthy eating, I'm losing interest in cooking and finding new recipes.  The cleaning and housework I was doing automatically I am starting to dread the thought of doing them.  The only interest I really have is in going back to bed.

I find myself thinking about the relationships I don't have and everything that's wrong with me that will keep me from having them.  When I'm not depressed I am content with my introvert lifestyle.  My goal of losing weight and toning up was enough for me, until now.  I'm lonely and I find myself looking to movies and tv for comfort, which basically reminds me even further of the relationships I don't have.

I chose not to move to Cedar Rapids as I had planned because my financial situation just wasn't right.  Now I sit here thinking about all the things (or people) I could have had there.  Of course those thoughts are followed up by thoughts about how much energy it takes to have those things/people, not to mention the anxiety involved.  A lot of the time I don't even feel like texting anyone and I definitely don't feel like leaving the house.

I know my coping skills and writing here is one of them.  Check that off the list.  I know that working out makes me feel better if I can get over the mental battle.  Stopping isolation is a good one.  And not letting myself sleep all day.  Putting makeup on and doing my hair sometimes makes me feel better.  And focusing on something productive.  I am going to try to fight this by doing whatever I can to make myself feel better.  I hope I can keep from getting out of control.