My Mind (the part I can find at least...)

My mind lately is not a place I want to be so don't be surprised if this is hodge podge of random ideas.

Constantly pulling at me are hallucinations; auditory, visual, and tactile (touch).  These things that are pulling at me seem random, at least I hope so.  Early on today I had a discussion in my mind about the movie Seven and how perfectly meticulous the murderer was.  I was so focused yet my brain still pushed in hallucinations.  In the movie Brad Pitt's character asks the murderer if he realizes how crazy he actually is.  I think that is what torments me the most, that I do know how crazy I am which has no relation to the movie other than the pondering I did this morning of that movie.

My "dad" with possible metastatic skin cancer is a constant reminder to have my priorities in place with his refusing to miss work unless absolutely necessary.    A very close friend is fighting the same battle of having family in unstable health.  Yet another friend is in the hospital and I can't get to either of them.  I guess I feel lost as to how to help, and not hinder, each situation.  I am trying to take care of my own situation well enough that it does not interfere anywhere else and that is very, very important to me.

I am proud of how my brother is doing so well living with his friends, not that it's without it's faults.  The fact that he has tried this before and failed and is doing so much of a contrast to back then makes me more than just hope that he will make this a lasting stay.  I hope to help steer him the right way financially while I still struggle to keep myself on the right road.

I called my psychiatrist whom I respect more than most of the psychiatrists I've seen, which is many.  I actually spoke to him after his secretary gave him the message at the end of the day.  I asked about a way to start over with my medication.  He feels strongly that I should stay on the path I'm on.  I guess I have nothing to say about it.

No title...

I'm not going to apologize about the time between posts because I have been busy with other things.  I scanned all 740 family pics into the computer and uploaded them to a website so my family can see them.  I'd like to make scrapbooks with them.  None of that stickers and cute sayings, just my pictures in a scrapbook.  Photo albums have plastic that covers each page and I don't want that.  If any moisture gets in then it molds and ruin the pics.  With a scrapbook type photo album they don't have to be covered by plastic and after tons of our pics getting destroyed by water and mold I'm not willing to package them the same way.

I've been adminning the groups I am supposed to on Facebook but I feel like I'm always playing catch up.  My brother has decided to move to the town I live in without a license or a car so I'm shuffling him around.  Not to mention they don't have hot water so he's got to come over to shower.  He hurt his knee and it swollen like a soccer ball so walking is out of the question.

Monty went and got his staples out from his surgery to remove the melanoma from his head.  It looks disgusting but I check on it from time to time to make sure it is healing well.  The doctor said that when they removed the tumor they found a smaller "satellite" tumor near by.  He said that this is the same as it having gone into his lymph nodes (which it didn't thank god).  We have an appointment on Wednesday with the Oncology clinic to see what we do next.

My mood has been up and down.  I'm in a manic phase right now and my doctor increased some of my medications to try to control it.  So far no luck, just tired and manic.  I can't sleep very long and I just have this urge to do SOMETHING.  Right now I have nothing to do but write this entry and I'm already losing interest.

My friend whom I write to has written in awhile and I'm a little worried.

So there are my thoughts on virtual paper.  I'll prolly write again soon out of the same need that lead me here this time.