My Mind (the part I can find at least...)

My mind lately is not a place I want to be so don't be surprised if this is hodge podge of random ideas.

Constantly pulling at me are hallucinations; auditory, visual, and tactile (touch).  These things that are pulling at me seem random, at least I hope so.  Early on today I had a discussion in my mind about the movie Seven and how perfectly meticulous the murderer was.  I was so focused yet my brain still pushed in hallucinations.  In the movie Brad Pitt's character asks the murderer if he realizes how crazy he actually is.  I think that is what torments me the most, that I do know how crazy I am which has no relation to the movie other than the pondering I did this morning of that movie.

My "dad" with possible metastatic skin cancer is a constant reminder to have my priorities in place with his refusing to miss work unless absolutely necessary.    A very close friend is fighting the same battle of having family in unstable health.  Yet another friend is in the hospital and I can't get to either of them.  I guess I feel lost as to how to help, and not hinder, each situation.  I am trying to take care of my own situation well enough that it does not interfere anywhere else and that is very, very important to me.

I am proud of how my brother is doing so well living with his friends, not that it's without it's faults.  The fact that he has tried this before and failed and is doing so much of a contrast to back then makes me more than just hope that he will make this a lasting stay.  I hope to help steer him the right way financially while I still struggle to keep myself on the right road.

I called my psychiatrist whom I respect more than most of the psychiatrists I've seen, which is many.  I actually spoke to him after his secretary gave him the message at the end of the day.  I asked about a way to start over with my medication.  He feels strongly that I should stay on the path I'm on.  I guess I have nothing to say about it.