Don't let the title fool you, this will not be about frolicking unicorns and kittens purring. This is going to be about tonight when I spent time with my dad's family which is a huge leap from the place my ass has been glued. I have been staying in bed most of the time, and when I get up to do anything my bed followed me around waiting for my return. It's obvious I'm depressed even though I was pretty good at hiding it until I decided to just come out and tell my dad. This requires a little back story:
I have been seriously depressed for quite awhile, weeks I'd say. When Halloween came I dressed as Batgirl and handed out candy. My brother was planning to have a small Halloween party. My depressed self thought it would be fun to have a few drinks while handing out candy, which led to the thought of drinking with other people. I had my dad take my drunkass over to the house but that's pretty much all I can remember. Next thing I remember I'm in the hospital with an IV in my hand and they are asking me to call someone to get me. Most of my clothing had been changed to hospital garb because the rest was covered in vomit. I still don't remember the night and I prefer no one tells me. According to the police report they mailed me I was found because I feel into someone's front door. I have to go to court for that later this month. My point was that my dad had to come get me from the hospital around 2 AM when he had to work at 7:30 AM.
A few days later I was laying in my bed and I couldn't stop crying. I'm a master at hiding my crying but lately it seems I've lost my touch. When I just couldn't stop crying I decided to just tell my dad and maybe he could help me feel better. He thought it was about Halloween and I had to explain to him that this is happening all the time. He was very helpful and continues to be. So onto our adventure tonight:
This weekend is my dad's family's Thanksgiving/Christmas get together for the year. I was worried about going because my anxiety has been kicking my ass. I went, but took my clonazepam just in case. Things were fine, people didn't ignore me as much as usual. I watched the kids play in the pool and was lucky enough to hold two children, one a baby. Neither of them were very talkative but being around so many children made me think of Syd. I loved that baby girl and I miss her. I'm also hypervigilant about the kids' safety but I have to put myself in my place; these are not my kids, they do not need my guidance. After a couple hours it felt good to come home.
Now I'm contemplating whether or not I want to go back tomorrow and Sunday. I know I'm not going to be able to handle more than a few hours, even with the clonazepam. The kids just make me so nervous. Ah, such is my adventure.
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