2014

Even though I knew the next year was coming I only just now realized it will be 2014.  I'll be 27 in just a couple of months.  My mind tells me I'm not ready for this.  Anxiety is building while I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to prepare for 2014 but I know there's nothing I can do.  I will stumble into the new year the same person I am now and that scares me.

In other news it has been just over a year since my last inpatient stay.  That is a record for me and I think I have my living situation and my increased self awareness to thank for that.  Living with my "dad" has helped because I'm not always alone, but I have plenty of alone time.  He's willing to help me with anything I need.  And by self awareness I mean that I can read my body better and understand my illness better than I ever have before simply because I have the experience.  I know when to ask for help before it's too late which is something I appreciate about myself.

I'm not sure if I have talked about my wanting to get involved in advocating for the "mentally ill" but it's been something of great interest to me.  I tried several things and have read and heard about a lot of horrible things that are happening to people with mental illnesses.  I want to advocate but reading these articles and hearing just how bad it is makes me depressed and angry (as it should) and until I'm in a better place mentally I simply can't do it.  I feel guilty because I know people need help and things need changed, but with it putting such a drain on me emotionally I have to choose to stay away from articles and videos that talk about how bad the mental health system is and how we need to fight the stigma.  It sucks because I want to help and I want to know what's going on but that's just putting my mental health in jeopardy.  Sigh....  Instead I will write this blog and try to show people it's ok to have a mental illness and life can go on.

I hate the term "mentally ill" because it implies that people with mental health issues never have good days and we're just always sick.  I know everyone is individual in their symptoms and health but do we really have paint such a gloomy damn picture with just one word?

Christmas with my family was stressful, but good.  I made dinner Christmas Eve here at my house and brought it to my grandparents two hours from my house on Christmas day.  Everyone was happy with the food I made and only one person asked me if dinner was ready yet when I was warming things up.  I hate when they keep asking me and they all stare at me expecting me to magically make dinner ready.  We set a time and it's done by that time.  I stayed with my cousin Michelle and my cousins because the roads were too crappy to make it home.  We had fun playing games and watching a movie until bedtime.

Now it's time for "How is Jen?"  I'm feeling very worthless.  I know what you're thinking...that I made dinner for all those people and that people would miss me if I wasn't there.  I just wish I could get a job or go back to school or have the energy and motivation to keep the house clean all the time.  I wish, I wish, I wish....I know I should be grateful that things aren't worse but when you're depressed it's hard to gain perspective.  I still feel like I'm treading water, nowhere to go, nothing to do, just keep afloat.  We increased my antidepressant at my appointment last week.  He wants me to keep a journal of how things are going with each of my problems; depression, anxiety, hallucinations, and sleep.  I'm just supposed to rate each, during the day and at night, by a number 1-10.  I've never kept a journal like this before so it will be interesting to see how it turns out.

Thanks to my medication and, I'll admit, my poor diet I've put back on the 20 lbs I lost.  I want to start to do yoga again and try to get on the treadmill sometimes.  I've slowly started changing my diet by switching to diet soda and my next hope is to get a decent blender to start drinking shakes for breakfast instead of my waffles.  Slow it goes because my motivation just isn't great right now.

I hope everyone has safe holidays and wish me luck in the new year.