I have recently been hospitalized once again. I, again, claimed I was suicidal when I was not simply to get admitted. I saw my own doctor my first morning and he made several medication changes right away. I feel I'm getting ahead of myself...
I was having these bugs crawling on my skin which started as just a feeling and turned into visual hallucinations. Almost just as unnerving was this constant anxiety. I know I've talked about the anxiety before but this was worse and the medication wasn't working. My appetite was gone and my sleep was just the opposite. All these feelings were taking over my thoughts and feelings. As before my doctor was taking a week to get back to me with changes and I just couldn't stand it. So to the hospital I went.
My medications got changed, including my anxiety medicine to something that works. The other medicines will take some time but I'm having some side effects; dizziness, over sleeping, confusion, and continuing hallucinations. After I was discharged and contacted his nurse she said to wait it out. So here I am. Sigh...
Anyway, my cousin is back from Malaysia which is good. I missed her. My brothers aren't talking to me which I guess I don't know how to feel about. My grandmother had a pacemaker put in and she seems well since then. And my mom is trying to spend her time well. One of my best friends is having a baby. It's hard to know how I feel about the pregnancy. I always have difficult feelings around pregnant people. I want to be happy for them but jealousy always creeps along. I'll never feel completely one way or the other.
I'm starting to get the feeling that I want to start dating. It sounds like a stupid idea because of the way my life is now. However, I'm lonely and feel I need something more in my life. I guess we will see.
It's sad that that's the only way to get real help. It's like no one cares what you're going through unless you want to die.
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