Review

It has been a really long time since I've posted a new entry.  Miss me?  Even though I read my last entry trying to jog my memory, I'm still not really sure where I left off.  I'm sorry to leave such a gap, but I will try to fill in as much as possible.

For the past several months my depression has gotten out of control.  It's gotten to the point that the past few months or so I have let things go.  I stopped doing everything; going to appointments, cleaning, grocery shopping, doing laundry, etc.  I was staying up for days at a time because when I would try to sleep I would ruminate about my mistakes.  My time was spent between watching Netflix and browsing on the computer.  I was angry about everything.  I saw no future for myself.

After I withdrew from school about a year ago I began to see that my life is severely limited because of my mental illness.  Every time I try work, school, or volunteering I quickly become overwhelmed by depression and anxiety.  Sometimes even the hallucinations start again.  My options are so limited.  I'm not sure if it's hormones or the fact that my best friend has had a baby but I just ache for a child.  It's been almost five years since I had surgery to make me sterile.  I still know that it was the right decision but it haunts me every single day.

Not too long before I got the surgery I spent a lot of time with a little girl named Sydney, Syd for short.  She was sweet and adorable and I loved her so much.  I never wanted children before that, not even when I was young.  She showed me how wrong I was.  Her father made some comments about how I would never be allowed to be left with her alone overnight and some things about my illness.  It hurt beyond words and hurt even worse when they moved.

When I had time to think it over I decided that sterilization was my best option because I can't stop taking my medications for nine months and I can't stand the idea of even the chance of passing on my illness to my child.  Also, when I'm manic I tend to make bad decisions so an IUD or implant could be too easily removed.  I know that no couple is going to give their baby to a crazy person.

I have to keep reminding myself, over and over, of my reasons.  I don't know what it is that makes me want a child so badly, that won't let this pain go.  If I had to guess I would say it's in our genetics that control our hormones.  Whatever it is, I would give just about anything to end it.