Recent Journal

Situational depression.  That is where I stand right now.  Perhaps it would be a good idea to ask to have my antidepressant increased.  I am beyond frustrated, beyond pissed off, beyond tired.  I spend so much time in bed and so little time doing anything else I think it’s getting to me.  I feel I have no one to trust, no one to confide in.  And yet, even though having those things would help my health, they find no reason to make it priority.  Perhaps I have too high of standards for people.  Even with that in mind, I refuse to lower them.  I need what I need, period, and I (and everyone here) deserve better than this.  We deserve to have people giving us medication that know something about them.  We deserve people who give a fuck about the residents here, not people preoccupied with covering up problems and worrying so much about losing their job they don’t even fucking do the exact job that they’re paid to do.  You’d think that with all this going through my head I’d be more angry than sad.  But, unfortunately, the sadness is winning out.  I’m sad because no one hears what I say, or cares what I say, no one takes the things I say seriously.  I am very quickly losing hope.

That is the basis for deep depression:  Hopelessness.  Another pretty good indicator that I will be heading down that path is a feeling of powerlessness.  Those two words sum up my feelings day by day here.  I am a single pawn being used in multiple games of illusion and hierarchy.  If there’s anything I hate more than being powerless, it’s being toyed with.