Don't get me wrong, I've been new at my job before, but in these positions (the social worker at the facility, case manager, SCL worker) I feel like they lack the experience and education to just be let loose. These people are crucial in some peoples' lives, some of them that can't stand up and say what they need.
I feel people would be more prepared for these jobs if there was more mental health funding. Without decent funding these organizations can't hire people who have some idea what the hell they're doing. People are hired to help the mentally ill that are nowhere fit to be because there's not enough funding to only hire people with a mental health background or schooling. People are hired to pass medications without any idea about possible interactions and side effects. I wish I could say every mental health patient is as familiar with their needs and their medication as I am. That's why people like me need to fight for those who can't fight for themselves.
I have been trying to find ways to become an advocate in ways that are not detrimental to my own health. Because of my strong need to take care of others and my guilt issue when I can't be there, I don't think being a peer support person would be good for my health. I mailed letters to my congressmen asking them to support more mental health funding. I emailed the University hospital's psychiatric research department to see if I could be of any help in any of their clinical trials. I've been trying to find places to post links to my blog so people can find it and hopefully not feel alone in their illness.
It's discouraging, really discouraging actually, how limited I am in helping others. I don't have much financial resources to donate to the advocacy groups. I'm worried if I get personally involved that I'll start to feel obligated and not be able to say no when things get to be too much. Not to mention that when I tried to volunteer it was a trigger for a depressive episode complete with psychotic symptoms. I am very passionate about what people with mental illness deserve but I feel so helpless to do anything. As much as I want to help people I definitely don't want to to get sick trying.
It's very hard for me to make personal supports without falling into my habit of helping till it hurts. I find making relationships with professional supports much easier. There are boundaries that keep them from leaning on you too much. It's usually a very mutual relationship, with each person only contributing so much. That's why I'm sort of looking forward to starting my services. Not to mention they'll get me out of the house more than once a week.
I've started doing yoga in an effort to lose some of this weight I put on thanks to my psych meds. If I am able to lose at least some of the weight I know I'll feel more comfortable going out in public. My dad has all my senior pictures, which are pretty hard to look at. I was going through I really rough time around then and the way I was looking at my future...and now I'm here.
I guess I need to find hope in the fact that I have come a very long way from when I had my onset. I am much more self aware and I know my illness and that really helps me manage things in a better way. As much as I'd like to jump into a million projects to help people with mental illness I know that it won't do them or me any good because I know my triggers. Experience counts for something, right?
I want to close by thanking everyone who reads my blog and the administrators that have added it to their blog directories. I also want to recommend a book: Surviving Schizophrenia, the 5th edition, by E. Fuller Torrey. It has helped me to understand so much more about my illness and helped me find new ways to explain to people what it is I'm going through and why. I recommend checking with your library first, but you can find it online for around $15. Here's one place you can buy it:
Also, if you haven't checked out my Facebook page dedicated to this blog, I've posted links to websites that have helped me along the way on there.
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