*DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor, therapist, or health professional of any kind. I’m sharing things that I have been taught that have helped me (or not). This is my experience.


Saturday, March 28, 2015

What a sad little life...

So my depression and anxiety got the best of me and I ended up in the hospital for five days.  I took a leave of absence from school.  Because I took a leave of absence instead of a withdrawal I can go back to school within 12 months.  But honestly, I don't know if I'll ever go back.  I've tried and failed so many times it's embarrassing.  Then again, who knows what the future will bring.  I just don't want to feel the disappointment in myself again.

My days now consist of moving back and forth from the bed to the couch and considering leaving the house.  I mull over what I'm going to eat for my next meal and what I need from the grocery store.  Nights I try to visit my cousin Michelle when she'll have me.  She's a great friend.  I'm thinking about joining the gym she and her roommate go to so they can motivate me to lose this fat I call a body.

I have a new therapist I just started seeing.  Her name is Al and seems nice.  We haven't really started working on anything yet.  I hope to work on letting go of all the guilt I have built up and keep from adding more to my plate.  I struggle with guilt more than anything else.  It's hard to tell if it's causing the depression or just feeding it as it cycles around,  It's so easy to believe everything my mind tells me but I think it's about time I started fighting back.

I also enrolled in something similar to case management so I can have services set up if I decide I need them.  She gave me a list of group activities in the community that I could try.  I called her today to discuss what services are offered and she never returned my call.

In reality I feel like I've let my life fall apart and I have no direction.  I have family and friends trying to support me but support me in what?  How many times I get off the couch?  I don't think they even know./  But the truth is that I'm lost, empty, and scared.  I'm starting over, again.  I suppose it should be freeing; having so many options.  But all I see are the walls of my apartment closing in on me and the depression swallowing me from the inside out.  The lack of motivation is dragging me down.  I'd like to get back to yoga but....  I have no excuse.  I just don't do it.  That's why I hope to start going to the gym with Michelle because there will be consequences if I don't go.

On a positive note my psychosis is in check.  Yay

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