Alone

It seems that I may be isolating, as I usually do as my symptoms begin to worsen.  It's easier to stay to myself than to explain what's going on.  I'm not sure if that's true.  Perhaps it's facing their reaction that's the difficult part.

I'm not reacting well to stress right now.  Having Generalized Anxiety Disorder is difficult in many ways, but especially in avoiding triggers.  Of course, that is, if you can figure out what they are.  So many times it can seem like it just appears out of nowhere.  It takes time to learn your limitations and, if you're as stubborn as I am, accepting them can take even longer.  But, in my experience, having to avoid certain situations because you know it's best for you can make you feel guilty, especially when others don't understand.  I try not to give in the temptation to call myself weak for not being able to endure and prosper the way others do.  I have been told it takes a stronger person to say no when you know it's best for you.  It sounds like the right answer, but it's hard to talk over those negative thoughts, especially when you expect so much from yourself.

I truly think that people go through a grieving process when they are diagnosed with a serious illness.  I know I have experienced this and am still working toward the "acceptance" part.  I know that accepting my prognosis is something I have and will struggle with for awhile.  Maybe a long while.  I try so hard to be realistic in my expectations of not only what I can do, but what my life will be like.  I always thought I would finish college quickly and move on to further schooling after that.  I was even accepted to the University of Oklahoma as a Pre-Med student.  I have tried an ungodly number of times to go to school since my illness became acute.  I had worked since I was 14 years old and I had planned on working while I was in college as well, something I had done my first year out of high school.  It's difficult to face that work and college are no longer options for me, at least for the foreseeable future.

I've gotten the advice from numerous people, that I should accept what is going on with me and learn to cope in positive ways.  I continually go back and forth between the opinion that what they suggest would be best for me and the idea that I shouldn't give up on my dreams.  I know in my mind that I should learn to readjust my expectations of myself and my life, but it's definitely the hardest thing I'm dealing with right now.

A doctor told me, when I was hospitalized one of the numerous times, that for the rest of my life I will be periodically hospitalized to have my medication adjusted and protect me while I have suicidal ideations.  When I look out at my life, I don't see very far.  What do you aspire to do when you can't work, or go to school, or be reliable for the rest of your life?  It's a great question, I know.