*DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor, therapist, or health professional of any kind. I’m sharing things that I have been taught that have helped me (or not). This is my experience.


Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Hospital Journals 1

The following are my journals from my recent hospitalization.  Some of it may seem whiny and petty, but here it is anyway.  Oh, and none of them were dated so I'm not sure of the order.  Enjoy.

I finally finsihed my necklace.  It's really cute.  My stomach is killing me and I am drowsy with my new meds.  I have Kerry as a teck, an old "friend".  Things have changed a ton since I saw him last.  IT brings back memories I had forgotten when he asked me about how I've been.  Dr. Larsen won't be here this weekend.  THat means I have to put up with Eeyore.  Dan is such a pouty ass.  I miss the old nurse Dan that moved to Oregon last time I was here.  Ok, prolly not the last time, but one time.  I've started to cut back on my caffeine for anxiety sake.  Larsen said it may be caused by the Prolixin and Wellbutrin.  I have to still take a shower ever so many hours if I am in bed for any decent amount of time [because of back and hip pain].  It's a pretty big pain in the ass, but it helps.  I am so tired of the crap here:  Everyone calling names, yelling, and threatening each other.  THere's a reason I graduated early [from high school].  I can't stand all the stupid drama.  It's going to be wonderful getting to know Michael's new  18 year old girlfriend.  Hopefully she's nothing like Kayla...I should prolly call Nathan and Michael.  I haven't talked to Nathan since I have been here.  I saw Michael a couple days ago but I should stilll call and see how he's doing.  I lost my numbers though :(.

I am worried about taking so many meds.  I'm up to somewhere around 18, including PRNs.  It's pretty ridiculous.  My roommate is finally a good one.  Other than her player the radio while she sleeps, she's the best one I've had so far.  I would still be happier downstairs.  My eating difficulty has returned.  I can't eat much without wanting to spit it out.  I wish Dr. Larsen was here this weekend.  My doc is going to be Dan :( for the weekend.  I want things to go better.  I really just want to go home.  I don't know what I should do, pretend or act how I feel.  I want to paint in project group, but I don't know if they'll let me since I have done so many already.  I could make another necklace I suppose, or make a stained glass thingy.

I am sitting in my room, waiting for my mother to show up.  I need her to bring me colored pencils to keep me busy.  I am tired from the Wellbutrin.  I can't believe Jen [an ARNP] tried to change my meds without talking to Dr. Larsen.  I figured I would wait until he gets back to change anything.  I'm starting to worry about oging to palcement again.  I have been here so long and there is not an end in sight.  I n eed something to preoccupy myself.  I am writing this while my roommate reads from the bible.  She had asked me if I believed in God, and I told the truth, no.  It's true that I am an agnostic on some days.  They are reading somthing about a battle.  They talked a lot about prostitutes in the passage they are reading.  Listening to this, it only confirms my thought that the bible is just a collection of stories men made to teach people what they thought they could get people to do what they want.  I'm so tired of listening to people who try to preach to me.

I can't wait until I feel better.  I really want to go home.  I'm antsy and anxious.  I just need something to focus on.  I think I will start painting at home.  It's a good distraction from life and I enjoy how focusing is such a large part of it.  I WANT TO GO HOME.  I don't want to do this.

I feel so bad for Violet.  She's a good person and she deserves to go home.  I want to go home too but I know I need to stay.  My brain isn't functioning well.  Not to mention the bad thoughts.  I want to ask Rick to change everything.  I don't know how receptive he will be to that idea.  I am feeling like I've completely lost my mind.  The words disappear when I say them and I lose the meaning of words as I'm saying them.  I hate it.  It makes me seem stupid or crazy-er than I think I actually am.  Not to mention I keep repeating myself.  I need a really good distraction.

I am prolly going home tomorrow!  I want to make it a year without coming back.  I think I can do it.  I'm awesome.

I am so tired, frustrated, and finally accepting my feelings about palcement.  I do not want to go.  I am tired of everyone thinking they know what's best for me.  And not to mention what's "wrong" with me.  I don't even want to think about what's "wrong" with me.  I have been avoiding my feelings and the situation.  I can't stand this.  I need to vent and BEFORE the hearing.  I am sooo tired of rude, annoying people.  I'm using my coping skills.  I colored, I talked to family, I laid down, I did my number puzzles, I did deep breathing.  Fod god's sake, how am I supposed to feel better?  Once the hearing is over I can go back to ignoring the truth.  Whatever works I guess.  GRRRR!  I hate not being able to remember everything.  I think the lists are helping, but maybe not the exercise.  I am not looking forward to the weekend; sooo boring.  Grr!  People are soooo annoying, with their bitching and ranting.  How hard is it to respect other peoples' everything?  I feel like my head is going to explode!  There is no peace here.  Ugh!

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