Hospital Journals 2

I miss Nathan.
I am too embarassed to call him.
I don't want to talk to anyone.
I may have to stay another day in order to not come back anytime soon.
I wish there was someone who wants to take care of me.
I wish there was someone I would let take care of me.
Still have hallucinations.
Ups and downs,
Happy and sad.
Letter upsets me because they are so selfish.
No more selfish than I am.
Happy to talk to Dr. Larsen, very nice.
Back pain sucks.
Eye sight is not the best [side effect of meds]
Getting worse not better.
Need to be distracted.

Who would I be without the medication?  I would never be able to function.  I would be so anxious, so paranoid, so depressed.  But even on the medication, I am unhappy, I am anxious, I am paranoid, I am alone.  I miss having friends and being in love.  I miss being able to concentrate on anything other than being sick.  I'm worried things will never be that way again.  I'm cold inside and out, all of the time.  I am alone.  I'm afraid I always will be.  I'm just unhappy, so very unhappy.

I hope they will help me here, though I am questioning their motives.  They don't believe me and Rick and Becky are my only hope.  I hope to stay out of palcement.  Tomorrow I will go to group as much as possible.  The restlessness in my legs is so much better.  Maybe Rick will put me on Buspar.  I can't handle spending much more on meds.

My roommate is terribly annoying, so LOUD.  They told me she wasn't too bad.  They were lying.  She never gives me peace.  I just need some damn rest, some peace.  I want to sleep but my back is killing me.  Now my head is killing be because of the damn roommate.  FOr god's sake, the nurses don't understand.  They act like I enjoy being here.  Trust me, that's not the case.  I just wish I could calm down.  I'm really scared about going to placement.