I know it's been a long time since I've posted anything. A lot of things have happened....
Most recently I had a manic episode and my bank account is empty. I picked up and went to Cedar Rapids at a moments notice. While there I got blackout drunk. Let's just say my decision making skills were a little off at best. I missed the first signs probably more because I wanted to and not because I didn't actually see them. That's not actually true. I really didn't see them. It was when I started thinking about deep cleaning the kitchen I knew I was headed the wrong way. I looked back and saw that my sleep patterns had been changing and the euphoric feeling had been building. I don't know how I missed it. Maybe because it was building over such a long period of time. Months really.
It seems to be that there was no middle ground between my depression and my mania and that there could possibly be the same problem building again. It's not for sure, really. The sadness could be just from how my visit why psychiatrist went or the fact that I've been alone for awhile. While I was manic I called my psychiatrists office and they said to take more medication. I did for a few days and stopped, assuming he meant until I came down. At my appointment today he said that he wanted me to keep taking it. He also said that he had thought about sending me to a hospital hours away to see if they could help me, but decided not to because he feels he can do just the same as they can. I didn't realize he felt I was so sick but looking back over my time with him, my episodes have taken up more time than not.
It must be nice for my dad to have time away from this. I wish I could have time away from this. I wish I could have time away from wondering who knows and what they think. I had my blood drawn today and mentioned I had been to a nearby town this morning and he assumed I had an appointment. I may have a nephew (long story) and all I wonder about is what if his mother finds out and if I'll be allowed around the baby and if I even should be. And when he grows up, what will they tell him?
And for those of you who are all about "Stop whining" and "It could be worse", even strong people get to cry sometimes. Yes, things could be worse, but things suck for me right now so fuck you.
:/ I'm sorry Jen. Things will get better. And it's good you're now getting the help you need!
ReplyDeleteAnd as for if you should be around the baby, I assume you are talking about the fact that you are schizoaffective.
SHENANIGANS.
The line of thinking: 'I am schizoaffective so I shouldn't be around children' should not be in your head. You have every right as someone who doesn't have a mental illness to see your nephew. We are, unfortunately, doses of not so pretty realities that challenge people to open their minds.
Just be sure you tell your relatives to inform your nephew beforehand. For example, my then 15-year old brother was not informed about my great aunt's lazy eye before meeting her. Five years later to this day, whenever we mention one of our great aunts, he chimes, "Aunt Lazy-Eye?" Not in a mean way, it just took him wayyyy off guard. Hahaha.
-Sam <3
Thanks Sam. I don't think I have talked about a little girl I got close to and then his father used my illness as an excuse for me not to see she. Still healing from that one. Plus I'm a little worried I'll start crying at an inopportune time since I won't be having any children and that would be very embarrassing. Ahh. Anyway, thanks for the encouragement. Hope all is well.
DeleteJen