As I read through posts on CrazyBoards.org (a thread site for people with mental illness) I realized that there are so many like me and so few places for us to get help. Mental illness is a really tricky process (as if you didn't know) and, especially with as many medications I'm on, I find myself in a sea of apathy. Suicide doesn't come to mind but I don't want to live anymore. I have said this before (which should give me hope) but I just feel like I'm treading water. Maybe not treading water until death this time but treading water until I can do something useful. What do you do when you feel like nothing is worth doing? I don't want to upset my family but with my dad going into treatment soon and my brother needing help with moving it seems I don't have a choice but to hurt someone.
I think I want to go into the hospital and do a med wash. I know that the meds that I am on were working and maybe they still are and just need a push of something else. Maybe I just need to let this pass, but what if it doesn't? No one wants you in the hospital unless you're suicidal but I can't see my psychiatrist every day to adjust things. The doctor I like most working with, Dr. Rickard Larsen, has crappy facilities and refuse to let you wear your own clothes. Plus, if you're there longer than a week they start talking about placement. Dr. Trahan in another hospital gave me a chance to relax and not worry about being sent away. He took the time to put me on lithium which had been suggested while I was in the hospital a few times, but no one wanted to take the time to do it. Plus at Dr. Trahan's unit you can have your cell phone.
I have even lost interest in writing this. And the point of it. People read this and it is just letters on a monitor. How do you give activities meaning, I mean, that's the point of activities, to hold your interest and yet, if you have no interest in them what are you supposed to do?
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I'm reading this a day later and today was better than yesterday. I wasn't alone because my brother was around all day so maybe that's something I needed. It also crosses my mind that I may be flipping into a manic cycle, especially since I've known myself to be rapid-cycling when new meds are introduced. I didn't explain, I guess, about the med change; when I started getting headaches and migraines almost constantly again I went to see my neurologist and he put me on Neurontin which, beside a few nasty side effects, didn't work. I got a hold of my neurologist and he switched me to Nortriptyline. I am still tapering up but I've been known to go into hypomania with new antidepressants. I'm hoping that's not where this is going. I have responsibilities to my family to keep myself on level ground.
I am still having hallucinations, usually not something I can understand and outside my head, with a couple of exceptions. I am still amazed (and not necessarily in a good way) about these voices I hear inside my head and the disassociative thoughts I'm having. Before I hear them in my head I didn't think someone else's voice could be in my thoughts, but yet there they are and yes, I am crazy.
Of course "crazy" is not the right would but would be? "Mental Illness" makes me feel like I've got the plague and I could "strip naked and cluck like a chicken" at any moment. Then the reality sets in and I realize that, as much as I try to defend myself, I have only as much control of myself as my medications and body allow me.
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