*DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor, therapist, or health professional of any kind. I’m sharing things that I have been taught that have helped me (or not). This is my experience.

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Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Such an adventure...

I went to my dad's family Thanksgiving/Christmas gathering on the second day and everything was ok at first.  There were so many people in such a small space and so many that I didn't know but I held my cool for a little while.  When they started to hand out gifts to the children and utter chaos started, my anxiety that had been holding back was full force.  I remembered putting my clonazepam in my purse but I guess in my frantic state I couldn't find them.  After a brief discussion with my dad I took his van to head home.

I knew I shouldn't be driving in that state of mind but of course, being in that state of mind, I thought there was no other way to escape.  I should have gone outside for awhile.  I should have looked harder in my purse.  Who the hell knows what I should have done that I didn't.  Instead I drove home and on the way clipped a (parked) truck with my passenger side mirror.  There was no damage to the truck because my mirrors fold in but the glass shattered in the mirror and then scratched the van a million times.  Now not only was I having an anxiety attack from the chaos at the gathering but also because I broke my dad's van.  Guilt is really hard for me to deal with, in case you haven't noticed.  My dad was very understanding about things, it's just my guilt that's eating at me.  Of course I'm going to replace the mirror as soon as I can.

Since then my anxiety is controlling a lot of what I do.  Not to mention the depression that pulls me back into bed every chance I get.  But the hallucinations, they will not stop.  They are constantly there; inside my head, outside my head, mumbling, singing, screaming.  Because I focus on the hallucinations I have a hard time focusing on anything else.

In other news I went to the neurologist for Botox injections to prevent my migraines.  It wasn't too bad, really.  They use a tiny needle to inject your head and neck 31 times.  They said I would have a headache for a week and this is only the first day and I want to scream.  It's a normal headache really but the fact that I know it will go on for another six days sucks.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Friday and I'm not sure what to ask for or expect.  I'm not sure what to say to get the result I want, mostly because I'm not sure what I want.  Part of me wants me to go into the hospital and do a med wash and just start over.  Another part of me is so scared about going to the hospital because they could put me in placement when they can't figure my meds out.  Sigh...

Onward with my fucked up adventure...

3 comments:

  1. I too have schizoaffective and have used clonazepam to settle anxiety. The last two weeks I have been on a Cognitive Behaviour Therapy course and it is really useful for people like us. Maybe some CBT with a therapist could help you too? Keep up the writing!

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    1. I have taken CBT group therapy (twice actually). Maybe I need a refresher course. I hope you're doing well.

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  2. I completely understand the medication "merry"-go-round. While I've only been open to medication the past year (nothing like hallucinating again to tell you you should start taking something), I've tried twelve different medications, and am currently on six. I was feeling better until we decided to taper one of them (which hadn't initially been helping), but then I got worse. Sigh.

    I wish the best of luck to you.

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