*DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor, therapist, or health professional of any kind. I’m sharing things that I have been taught that have helped me (or not). This is my experience.


Saturday, December 21, 2013


I can't think of a title and my mind has been pretty absent lately so question marks is what I've got.

Since my last post my psychiatrist changed a lot of my medication around leaving me to taper off two meds and just stop taking another.  He increased the dose on some other medication to balance things out.  I made sure to do the taper slowly and didn't have any problems except for the fact that I can't get to sleep or stay asleep at night.  No naps.  My tremor worsened and then got better.  I can't think straight most of the time and even left my purse (with everything in it) in a parking lot at the store.  I can't remember words to say.  I feel stupid and I'm sure that's how I look too.  I've been trying to make it harder for me to forget things like setting alarms, having separate pill cases, and putting things in the same place every time.  I'm having a hard time, right now, remembering what I wanted to write about.

My biological father had serious surgery on his abdomen so I went to Iowa City to make sure everything came out ok.  They weren't able to complete the surgery but they knew that was possible before they went in.  It was weird hanging out with his family.  He is remarried and has two step children.  Luckily his mom is very chatty about absolutely nothing so it filled in some awkward moments.

On my trip I also went to an interview to see if I could be park of a research study for people who get frequent migraines and also has depression.  They decided that with my medication changes (at that time I was still tapering) that I wouldn't be a good candidate for their study.  I was still paid for my time at the interview so that helped a lot with the trip being three hours each way.

While I was at my mom's I met the boy my brother thinks may be his.  They look so much alike it's hard to question it but I don't want to assume anything until a paternity test is done.  They are waiting until a better time to do the test which I know sounds like an excuse but they have very good reasons and my brother is one of the smartest people I know.  The child, Jason, made me cry a little.  I'm so happy my brother gets to be a father figure in a young (13 months) boy's life but children, even my dad's half-grown step children, makes me think about the things I can't have.  Not being able to have children is the best decision I ever made, but it still haunts me.  I'm pretty sure it always will.

When I came home and I got sick.  I wasn't directly in contact with people who were sick but definitely indirectly.  I couldn't even tell what was wrong I was fighting a fever so badly.  One minute I was a hundred million degrees and the next I was an icicle and the next I was both at once.  After a few days of fighting it I went to the doctor.  They did a swab that said it was not the flu but they weren't sure what it was.  After a couple of days of antibiotics I'm better than I was but I've got a ways to go to being healthy.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday and hopefully we can do something about how my brain has run off on it's own and checks in periodically.  I hope he has some plan on what to do about my hallucinations.  Apparently I'm stuck with my tremor and newly developed dry mouth as long as I take these medications.  Oh, the things we put up with to try to be normal.

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