Review

It has been a really long time since I've posted a new entry.  Miss me?  Even though I read my last entry trying to jog my memory, I'm still not really sure where I left off.  I'm sorry to leave such a gap, but I will try to fill in as much as possible.

For the past several months my depression has gotten out of control.  It's gotten to the point that the past few months or so I have let things go.  I stopped doing everything; going to appointments, cleaning, grocery shopping, doing laundry, etc.  I was staying up for days at a time because when I would try to sleep I would ruminate about my mistakes.  My time was spent between watching Netflix and browsing on the computer.  I was angry about everything.  I saw no future for myself.

After I withdrew from school about a year ago I began to see that my life is severely limited because of my mental illness.  Every time I try work, school, or volunteering I quickly become overwhelmed by depression and anxiety.  Sometimes even the hallucinations start again.  My options are so limited.  I'm not sure if it's hormones or the fact that my best friend has had a baby but I just ache for a child.  It's been almost five years since I had surgery to make me sterile.  I still know that it was the right decision but it haunts me every single day.

Not too long before I got the surgery I spent a lot of time with a little girl named Sydney, Syd for short.  She was sweet and adorable and I loved her so much.  I never wanted children before that, not even when I was young.  She showed me how wrong I was.  Her father made some comments about how I would never be allowed to be left with her alone overnight and some things about my illness.  It hurt beyond words and hurt even worse when they moved.

When I had time to think it over I decided that sterilization was my best option because I can't stop taking my medications for nine months and I can't stand the idea of even the chance of passing on my illness to my child.  Also, when I'm manic I tend to make bad decisions so an IUD or implant could be too easily removed.  I know that no couple is going to give their baby to a crazy person.

I have to keep reminding myself, over and over, of my reasons.  I don't know what it is that makes me want a child so badly, that won't let this pain go.  If I had to guess I would say it's in our genetics that control our hormones.  Whatever it is, I would give just about anything to end it.

Status

I have recently been hospitalized once again.  I, again, claimed I was suicidal when I was not simply to get admitted.  I saw my own doctor my first morning and he made several medication changes right away.  I feel I'm getting ahead of myself...

I was having these bugs crawling on my skin which started as just a feeling and turned into visual hallucinations.  Almost just as unnerving was this constant anxiety.  I know I've talked about the anxiety before but this was worse and the medication wasn't working.  My appetite was gone and my sleep was just the opposite.  All these feelings were taking over my thoughts and feelings.  As before my doctor was taking a week to get back to me with changes and I just couldn't stand it.  So to the hospital I went.

My medications got changed, including my anxiety medicine to something that works.  The other medicines will take some time but I'm having some side effects; dizziness, over sleeping, confusion, and continuing hallucinations.  After I was discharged and contacted his nurse she said to wait it out.  So here I am.  Sigh...

Anyway, my cousin is back from Malaysia which is good.  I missed her.  My brothers aren't talking to me which I guess I don't know how to feel about.  My grandmother had a pacemaker put in and she seems well since then.  And my mom is trying to spend her time well.  One of my best friends is having a baby.  It's hard to know how I feel about the pregnancy.  I always have difficult feelings around pregnant people.  I want to be happy for them but jealousy always creeps along.  I'll never feel completely one way or the other.

I'm starting to get the feeling that I want to start dating.  It sounds like a stupid idea because of the way my life is now.  However, I'm lonely and feel I need something more in my life.  I guess we will see.

Help me

I was released from the hospital yesterday after a short stay.  I have been dealing with anxiety and depression along with hallucinations.  Though I am not suicidal, I told the hospital I was to get admitted.  I've been trying to get in to see my psychiatrist for awhile with no luck so I've been talking to his nurse.  She was taking a long time to call me back and the hallucinations were really getting to me.  That's why I decided the hospital was my best choice.  My psychiatrist sees his patients at the hospital so after he made changes I asked to go home.  There's no point laying in a hospital room when you could lay in bed at home.  

The med changes will take time to work and I know that.  So now here I am, wishing for something to help me feel better.  I haven't been to the gym in over a week.  I have no motivation and all I want to do is crawl under the covers and hide.  I know what I have to do.  I know I have to power through these feelings and do what needs to get done.  I know going to the gym could help me feel better and I need to go but again, no motivation.  Sigh...

Content

I don't know where to start.  Life is decent.  I'm about to tell you why.  How's that for an introduction?

I've been going to the gym almost every day.  I use the elliptical and the weight machines for abs, legs, and arms/shoulders.  I can feel a difference in the way my clothes fit and have lost eight pounds.  I'm told you can see a difference.  It doesn't seem like much for all the effort I've put in but I do realize that I'm gaining muscle which weighs more than fat.

I had a scare with my cat, Kitty, yesterday.  She found her way into my medication, particularly the blood pressure medication I take for migraines.  I rushed her to the vet where they tried (unsuccessfully) to induce vomiting, then gave her some activated charcoal to absorb what, if any, medication she ate.  They recommended close observation of her heart and respiratory rates.  Once we were home she successfully vomited and stayed very close to me.  She was running around the apartment, playing with our other cat, when I woke up.  She is purring again as usual and has normal (as far as I can tell) heart and breath sounds.

I had a migraine a couple weeks back.  It had been a long time since I had one and when I moved to town I got a new neurologist so when I realized what I was having was a normal migraine I just did what I always did, take my PRN migraine medication.  When it didn't work I went to the emergency room and when they weren't able to help I made an appointment with my neurologist.  She was MAD.  I had taken my PRN migraine medication six times and been to the ER three.  She said I should have only taken the PRN migraine medication twice and called to be given steroids ASAP.  This was news to me.  I have never taken steroids for a migraine until now.  Now I know.

Now I don't know how to end this...end.

The Future

I'm starting to feel better about my sad, little life.  I've joined a gym.  I've been spending time with my cousin.  I've been talking to and seeing other family members.  I feel pretty good.

I can't say much about my money situation but it's not pretty.  It's not gonna get better anytime soon.  We've got what we need, at least.  That's what matters.

I was feeling pretty shitty today.  I heard this song on the radio:  "There Goes My Life".  It's about a guy that thinks his future is over because he is having a child.  I was thinking to myself that I should have been thinking that when I started having symptoms of schizoaffective disorder.  Look at what a future it created.  Thinking now I think I was.  I tried to kill myself over and over again.  It's depressing to think of a future of disability checks and hospital stays.  I know you may be thinking "It doesn't have the be that way", but you're wrong.  My illness dictates it has to be that way.  I've tried to redirect my path but my illness brings me back.  Sigh.  Thankfully I still have endorphins going from my time at the gym.

What a sad little life...

So my depression and anxiety got the best of me and I ended up in the hospital for five days.  I took a leave of absence from school.  Because I took a leave of absence instead of a withdrawal I can go back to school within 12 months.  But honestly, I don't know if I'll ever go back.  I've tried and failed so many times it's embarrassing.  Then again, who knows what the future will bring.  I just don't want to feel the disappointment in myself again.

My days now consist of moving back and forth from the bed to the couch and considering leaving the house.  I mull over what I'm going to eat for my next meal and what I need from the grocery store.  Nights I try to visit my cousin Michelle when she'll have me.  She's a great friend.  I'm thinking about joining the gym she and her roommate go to so they can motivate me to lose this fat I call a body.

I have a new therapist I just started seeing.  Her name is Al and seems nice.  We haven't really started working on anything yet.  I hope to work on letting go of all the guilt I have built up and keep from adding more to my plate.  I struggle with guilt more than anything else.  It's hard to tell if it's causing the depression or just feeding it as it cycles around,  It's so easy to believe everything my mind tells me but I think it's about time I started fighting back.

I also enrolled in something similar to case management so I can have services set up if I decide I need them.  She gave me a list of group activities in the community that I could try.  I called her today to discuss what services are offered and she never returned my call.

In reality I feel like I've let my life fall apart and I have no direction.  I have family and friends trying to support me but support me in what?  How many times I get off the couch?  I don't think they even know./  But the truth is that I'm lost, empty, and scared.  I'm starting over, again.  I suppose it should be freeing; having so many options.  But all I see are the walls of my apartment closing in on me and the depression swallowing me from the inside out.  The lack of motivation is dragging me down.  I'd like to get back to yoga but....  I have no excuse.  I just don't do it.  That's why I hope to start going to the gym with Michelle because there will be consequences if I don't go.

On a positive note my psychosis is in check.  Yay

Sur-fucking-prise

So guess what?  I'm depressed.  Surprise, surprise.  Let me start by telling you why I shouldn't be...

I started school last month and after a slow start (D+ on my accounting test), I got some tutoring and am doing decent (B on my last accounting quiz).  I am keeping up.  I am spending time with my family.  I've been keeping up with my friend Nathan intermittently.  Life is decent.  I should be content.  And I'm depressed.

I'm getting extremely close to 200 pounds and my body is showing no signs of stopping there.  I've got new stretch marks to prove it.  It's been suggested that my Lyrica may be causing it.  With pain in my back from falling down the stairs I'm hesitant to try something else for my fibromyalgia.  Who knows what kind of pain I could be in then.

Nonetheless that shouldn't be enough to bring on the state I'm in.  I'm not depressed about my weight or my pain. I'm not happy about it but not sad either.  I'm depressed about nothing and everything at once.  I am exasperated by anxiety everyday and drained by lack of motivation constantly.  Sigh... 

I feel that this is a imbalance in my medication but I'm scared what will happen if they tinker with my meds.  I'm just as scared of what will happen if they don't.  All I can hope for is hope itself.

HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOO

So school has started and it's going well. Well, that is as well as you can expect having just completed the first week.  I like my classes; Prin of Accounting I, Macroeconomics, Chorale, and Elementary Spanish II.  In Spanish our teacher is out having a baby so we have a substitute professor.  It's hard for me because he's not grading anything in the class while he's there so I don't really know what I don't know, ya know?  I guess I should back up a bit.  As I said I am taking Elementary Spanish II but it's been years since I took Elementary Spanish I.  Lots of years.  At least seven.  Anyway I feel a little iffy about it but I just expect I'll have to study harder than usual.  Accounting I'm enjoying.  It's a challenge but it's a subject I enjoy.  Chorale has taken me a little aback because I have sang since high school, unless in my car counts.  Macro is starting off slowly so I'm not sure where it's headed.  And those are my views on my classes.

I'm still finding where I fit in at Coe College. I am (so far) the only person there with a rolling backpack.  My back just cannot handle my books.  I feel ancient around all these teenagers.  I wish I could find some friends to blend in with but I don't see many opportunities to strike up a conversation.  Maybe they're there but I'm just missing them.  Then in the back of my mind are the questions about my mental illness.  What if people find out I have schizoaffective disorder?  Then I think what's the worst that could happen?  They could not talk to you?  They are already not talking to you.  Ah, the conversations I have with myself.

I am worried my illness will become a problem with school.  If I start having problems again and I have to go into the hospital or have my meds changed I could miss a ton of class which is where I struggled last time.  I had a small increase of my antipsychotic because I was hallucinating but it doesn't seem to be affecting me except in good ways.  It is causing me to have restless legs (as it was before) which means I'm always swinging my legs in class.  I'm self conscious about it.

I mentioned my back problems to I will expand on it.  I was having a lot of low back pain for a long time and eventually they did an epidural which helped amazingly.  Then I fell on some ice down the stairs at my apartment.  Six weeks later not only having low back pain, but pain in my shoulder as well.  I can't get another epidural until next month and I am seeing my doctor for a physical on Tuesday so I plan to bring up my shoulder pain.  It's really getting in the way of housework and sitting fo periods of time, like class.

Just thought I would pour my thoughts out today.  Have a great day.