A Real Look At My Life

I have been sick in one way or another for over six months.  My pain has stopped coming and going and is now constant.  It, instead, gets excruciating in certain areas.  None of the medications they gave me helped.  Because of all of the health issues I have isolated myself to my bedroom.

I have moved my TV to my bedroom and gathered as many pillows I could find.  I keep the light to a minimum (because of the never-ending migraine) and the captions turned on while I binge on Netflix to keep the volume low.  I usually have my ringer turned off or at the least on vibrate since when I don’t get all the sleep I can, everything is worse.  With my struggles to get to a comfortable body temperature I am using a combination of an electric blanket, a pile of regular blankets, an air conditioner, and a fan.  I am just trying to figure out how to feel the best that I can, no matter what is wrong with my body.

I don’t have it all figured out yet.  I have trouble with the shower because standing for awhile with the dizziness and joint pain makes me worry about falling.  Unfortunately, my tub is also difficult to get out of on my own and it has no cushion.  I have started to consider a bench for the shower since my skin is giving me issues.  I have tried wipes and lotions, but I think my next step is to try showering more often.  Money just happens to be an issue.

I have been on Social Security Disability for several years based on the diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder.  I have hardly enough money to live off of and going back to work is (obviously) still not an option.  All of these surprise medical issues that don’t get better are putting me in a place I never wanted to be.  It is bad enough that I can’t get up and go to work for a paycheck, but now I have to ask for help for basic things.  I am not elderly, I am 29 years old.  And I have to ask for people to carry things, wash my dishes, clean my messes, or do my laundry.  I struggled for so long to accept that I couldn't work, and now I have to struggle to accept that (hopefully in short periods) I can't always take care of myself.

My life, so far, has been paved with many experiences that most people never have to deal with.  I’m not the kind of person who finds meaning in the trite “What doesn't kill you makes you stronger” crap.  I would prefer to be oblivious to the problems I’ve had to deal with and learn by simply hearing from others and empathizing with them than suffering myself.  Anyone who says otherwise is lying to themselves.  What I do know for sure is how everything used to be in black and white, I now see how things are almost always in some shade of grey.  Motivation and point of view matter.  They ALWAYS matter.  And so I do my best to assume people have the best intentions and people make mistakes.  It makes reading things on social media a hell of a lot different.