Empty

My mother has always been selfish, jealous, and manipulative.  I have cut her out of my life several times and it has always been for the best.  And then I have always been backed into a corner where I needed help and had no choice but to ask her.  And she loved it.  She made me feel guilty about everything in my life from as far back as I can remember and made fun of me for not knowing how to do things she was supposed to teach me.  She chose herself at every chance and left me six months after my first suicide attempt at 16 years old.  When I have tried to tell her about my pain and explain about my limitations she didn't listen to me.  The little she did help me with she held against me every chance she got.  And I chose once again to cut her from my life.

My brother has been barely taking care of the apartment since the pain has gotten to be too much for me to help.  He waits weeks to take out the trash, forcing me to leave rotting garbage.  He has lied and stolen from me, and lied about stealing from me to my face.  And then he let his air conditioner leak into the floor, severely damaging the apartment below us.  Because we were barely making it by, I borrowed money and got us another apartment to avoid the eviction we would be facing when couldn't pay the damages.  He decided he was tired of “helping” me with the limitations and tired of me getting angry when he yells at me.  He doesn't want to deal with me.

I understand that I am supposed to keep fighting to keep from hurting people.  What I don’t understand is why these people who won’t help me, who make me realize that I have nothing to give and all I am doing is taking, what difference does it make.

With depression, I know that things can help and it can get better.  But with this pain, the things they tell me that will help, don’t, and the things that could they won’t give me because of my history.

No one wants to hear how scared I am that it really is fibromyalgia because they can't help me, so I just want it to be something I can actually fight, not suffer from.  No wants to hear anything.  They just want me to pay their bills, and take out the trash, and clean the apartment, and take them places, and be their friend when they need something.  And I can’t.  I can’t even contribute to a normal conversation because what do normal people even talk about?

How am I supposed to live like this?