I am so scared and I am so disappointed in the woman I have become. No one understands. And I am so angry. And I am so fucking tired of the pain. Am I really expected to live another 60 years in ever-increasing pain? Of new pains and the old pains getting worse and worse and worse...really? I barely lived through accepting my limited life with mental illness and now I’m expected accept this shit? While doctors question whether I’m actually in pain like they used to question whether I was actually anxious, or depressed, or suicidal, or hallucinating. But this time it’s not because I’m young, it’s because my chart says I’m fucking crazy and I had chronic pain when I was diagnosed crazy so any pain is seen as a “somatic disorder”. Or in your fucking head. That’s right, not only does my chart say that I’m fucking crazy, but it also says that my crazy makes me think I’m in pain. But wait, there's more! I was stupid enough to admit that years ago I used some drugs recreationally and then again last year to deal with all this fucking pain. None of this had ever shown up on a test, I was just stupid enough to think being honest was best. So not only does my chart say I am crazy balls, that my crazy balls thinks I am in pain when I’m not, but I am also a substance abuser.
Anyway, my point is I don’t know what is wrong with me and that is scary. My anxiety makes it scarier. And, no one will even acknowledge the parts that are genuinely scary. I have nothing to give and cannot even take care of myself or my home on my own anymore. I am worthless. I am incredibly angry at the situation and the people who are making this harder, including myself. And I am depressed and tired.
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