Here I am, at 5:00 AM, typing away at my blog. When I woke up around 4:00 AM I had been having a bad dream and didn't want to go back to sleep. I got up and thought to myself, "What in the world are you going to do at 4:00 AM?" And here I am, writing my blog. It's a good coping skill helps me organize my thoughts and makes me more aware of them. It shows me blatantly where I'm being irrational. Sleep is overrated.
Things haven't been going badly, if you leave out the pain and the hyper-anxiety. On Monday I had more than one anxiety attack as a result of ruminating about my health problems. I need to think positively and use positive self talk before I worry myself back into the hospital. I may have to go back sooner rather than later anyway, so I can be safe if they have to take me off my medications.
As for other psychiatric symptoms, depression is still nipping at my heels. The auditory hallucinations (noises in other noises) are there occasionally, and more so when I am really anxious. I would say the medication change has been a moderate success, with room for improvement. It's hard for me to know what way I want to go with my medications with all these other problems. I dunno if I would rather switch anti-depressants completely or try upping the the dose. I really just don't know.
I feel like it's just not time yet. It's not time for me to go into the hospital yet. I want to wait as long as I can, especially because I told the staff that I wouldn't be back for a year (trying to be realistic but positive). If I have to go back for the problems I'm having now I'm not sure I want to go to St. Luke's, because of Dr. Larsen's heavy belief against medical doctors on the psych floor. I trust him more than anyone with my psych meds but I don't want my physical problems overlooked, especially if that's why I'm there.
I saw the pain specialist yesterday. I woke up at 3:00 AM and couldn't sleep because of pain so when my appointment came at 2:00 PM you would think I would have been tired. Instead I was wired and my cuticles picked to the point of bleeding. I forgot to tell her some important details but managed to remember everything before I left.
She was very nice and assured me that there could be many things that could be causing my pain and many of them are not serious. She said that it is possible (if there is neuropathy) that it could be reversible. I told her how scared I was and she reassured me and encouraged me to think of the best possible scenario. The EMG, she said, is done by a doctor that only comes once a month for these tests. She said the test would definitely tell us if there is neuropathy and they will do tests to see if something other than my medication is causing it.
She ran more blood tests and named off some medications that could help, depending on what we find. She said that some types of arthritis and some viruses can cause the symptoms I'm having. She gave me a different muscle relaxant that she said helps more with pain than the one I was taking. She also said that the blood work my family doctor did shows my B12 is a little low and suggested I take a supplement. I'm going back to see her in two weeks. I had to reschedule my therapy appointment to go to this week's appointment, but I will see my therapist next week as well as my psychiatrist. Maybe my psychiatrist will have some answers, and hopefully the doctors can all work together to figure this out.
I have been leaving out something important from my blog entries because I was worried about, well, I'm not sure. My step-dad-like person that I live with has been going through hell as his mother died. It seemed to me to come on rather suddenly and as soon as she went to the doctor she went into the hospital. She had pneumonia and had a horrible time breathing and after they moved her to hospice it wasn't long before she was gone. Alice was a great person. She always treated me like family, no matter what. She loved to talk and I wish I could have seen her one more time before she passed away so I could tell her how well she raised her son and how honored I felt that they allowed me to be part of their family. Unfortunately she was a few hours away and with the pain I've been having I knew I would be very unpleasant after that long in the car, let alone sitting and standing after we got there. Plus I didn't know when my tests would be. She passed away peacefully and I will be making the trip for her graveside service on Friday. I think the new medication will make it easier to make the trip.
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