*DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor, therapist, or health professional of any kind. I’m sharing things that I have been taught that have helped me (or not). This is my experience.

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Thursday, July 26, 2012

Depression

As every day passes it becomes more and more obvious that depression is setting in.  I think about eating and sleeping more than anything else.  When I wake up all I want to do is go back to sleep.  My motivation for pretty much everything else is gone.  I didn't even put my pillowcase back on my pillow before going to bed because I just wanted to sleep.  I feel sick when I eat, and I feel sick when I don't eat, and I feel sick when I eat too much.  I feel like the people around me look down on me because they see me as lazy and grumpy and pretty much useless.  I feel like crying at basically anything emotional, sad or not.  And I do cry whenever I can't keep myself from doing so.  My body hurts all over, all the time.  It's classic depression.

I see my new psychiatrist next week and there are no openings before my appointment.  I'm taking my medication as I'm supposed to but it seems that it's just not enough.  The psychiatrist can't make any med changes without seeing because I've never seen him before.

I am doing my best to deal with this.  I've pulled myself out of depression before, but I've also not been able to hold myself steady and fallen too low.  I'm writing because it is my coping skill.  I'm trying to keep doing my normal stuff but my focus and motivation, they're just not there.

I'm so ashamed because I know so much about depression and coping skills and I can't figure out how to use it to break out of this.  I feel so hopeless because if I know so much about my illness and I can't keep this from happening, what the hell is the point?

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