Emotional Story from June 5, 2011

This is a story I wrote and posted to my old blog on June 5, 2011.  It is deeply personal and talks about my struggles with mental illness and relationships.  It echoes a feeling I've been fighting since even before I wrote this:  Treading water.

"She sees so much in the distance, beautiful, colorful, with smiles and laughter, and a sense of strength and contentment.  The only way there is to survive the the water.

As she feels forced to move into the choppy waters, she tries to test it, one foot at a time, but she falls completely, head under, into the frigged waters.  Words echo in her ears, "Your father doesn't even want you", "No wonder you don't have any friends", "You can't do this", and they help pull her even further under.

As she's always been a fighter, she fights to the surface, gasping for air, spotting the distance at what seems a thousand miles away.  It gives her the greatest gift, while still struggling to catch her breathe.  It gives her hope.

After making a little progress towards the heaven in the distance she is suddenly pulled deep below.  She can't seem to find a reason as the thoughts come to mind.  Her babies, her beautiful babies.  The sadness was the hand pulling her down.  She knew she had made the right decision when it came to her babies, but she still had to cry those tears for what she would never have.  And it was those tears that had brought her down.

When she was finally released and came to the surface for air she looked to the distance and had to rub her eyes at what she saw.  It was still there but the beauty (while still beautiful) had faded some, the laughter a little quieter, and colors a little duller.  She decided to push even harder to get to her what she had decided was her home, where she belonged, before anything else changed.

She swam as hard as she could until she she started to realize she was beginning to sink, almost like quicksand.  She tried to pull away, but the water pulled harder and down she went.  As she tried to pull herself to the surface she saw faces, so many faces.  Faces of people lost, faces of people broken, even faces of people she refused to let herself remember.  There they were, staring at her, accusing, forcing her to remember.  Guilt washed over her, for the people she hurt, the people she couldn't help, and the ones she had chosen not to give the time of day.  As tears welled up in her eyes she found herself floating to the surface.

Looking at the distance now, it didn't seem any closer.  This only motivated her more.  The water could pull her down, but she could pull back.  She saw the future she wanted and she had worked so hard so what could possibly take it from her?

As she was getting closer she swore she saw the shiny fin of a dolphin close by dive in the water.  Excited by the idea of seeing a dolphin up close she dove in to see.  She heard music all around and soon saw the dolphin.  She swam behind it for miles and when it stopped she went to touch it.  Her hand went right through it.  Confused, she reached out again.  The dolphin wasn't real, neither was the beautiful music.

Horrified, she scrambles to the surface, tears streaming down her face.  She looks all around for her vision in the distance.  Every angle she looks is just water, more and more water.  Her future, well, it is gone.

What choice does she have, but to go on, just treading water?"