*DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor, therapist, or health professional of any kind. I’m sharing things that I have been taught that have helped me (or not). This is my experience.

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Tuesday, July 17, 2012

More Anger...and Hurt

I know I have talked before about having trouble with sleeping at night.  It seems to be getting worse, which I attribute to the renters in the other side of the house.  My room is directly below their side of the house.  Not only am I scared because I can't see everything around me, I hear noises that logically I know are coming from upstairs, but with my delusions I question that.  The other night I even tried sleeping on the couch with the lights on because my anxiety was so bad in my room.

The reason I posted the last two entries that are from my old blog is because I've been thinking a lot about two things; the past and the future.  Being in the city where I went to high school makes me think about all the dreams I used to have and the way things were.  The part about the future is more confusing:  Where am I going?  What will I do?  What CAN I do?  I guess I just feel like I'm stuck again, "treading water" again, and I don't know if that will ever change.

I received a letter from the court advocate from the county I was committed in.  She thought she would warn me that if I don't follow the psychiatrists suggestions it could later be said that I am non-compliant and have to committed again. I really, really want to send her an email or letter in response.  I haven't refused psychiatric treatment in, I'd say, six years.  The only time they have felt the need to commit me is when they want to lock me up in a "care facility" and they know I won't go willingly.  Again she is pointing the finger at me, insinuating that it is my own fault I am sick and that I relapse, and now she's saying it's my own fault I get committed.

She claims she wants to make sure I know the consequences to my actions.  My actions?  You mean making the educated decision to see someone with 30 years of experience with mental illness weekly, instead of seeing someone who doesn't even know the definition of schizophrenia without looking it up.  Wow, I guess I do make horrible decisions that put me in the hospital, and ultimately get me committed (in case you didn't notice I'm going for sarcasm here).  How the hell is someone who doesn't know mental illness from a stick up their ass supposed to help me stay out of the hospital?  I hate to tell her, but having people like that around to "help", ultimately ends up with them encouraging me to GO to the hospital.  They don't know how to help me.

I haven't seen my new psychiatrist yet, but you can be sure that I'll be talking to him about his recommendations about services.  From what I hear he is very good at his job, which would make me infer that he has a brain in his head with the ability to see the best options for my treatment.

Everyone knows what's best for me, everyone understands what's wrong with me, everyone wants me to do the right thing.  That is a load of shit that the mental health system and my family has been feeding me for years.  There were times when I needed guidance, and there will be times when I need it again, but you can sure as hell bet that I won't be looking for it from people who are looking for what's easiest or cheapest for them.

I had a nurse once tell me that I needed to just accept being sick, that I wasn't as bad as some people and things would be better if I would just accept having schizoaffective disorder.  I agree that acceptance helps you be more at peace with the cards you've been dealt, but a healthy person telling me that I just need to get over the fact that everything I dreamed of will never come true?  Seriously?  I'm not going to do what's easiest for everyone else.  I refuse to compromise what's best for me for what is easier for other people to handle.  Because I know my illness like no one else ever will.  I have to fight the guilt over not being able to pull through when I relapse and when I become depressed over my illness because it is being pounded in my head that it is my fault.  It is no one's fault they have a mental illness and they should never be treated that way.

Again I have to argue that if there were more psychiatrists and therapists or a better emergency care system for people with severe mental illness I wouldn't have to fight so hard.  When I have issues (like I'm having now) I have two choices; go to the hospital or wait until I can get an appointment.  Going to the hospital means I could get put in placement if I don't get well fast enough and waiting for an appointment slot to open up could put me in the hospital.  Having under-educated people "watching over" me, or even having the most understanding, educated person around does not change how my illness works or my options.  It's still either go to the hospital or wait for an appointment, and I am still going to relapse.

I don't want to say that services are bad and that they are the wrong choice for everyone, because sometimes that exactly what someone needs.  But if you are very self-aware and understand your illness, you need to make your own choices.  Even if you're not, most people are going to make their own choices anyway and some will eventually get to a place where they know their illness and are able to make the right choices.  Some people will never understand their illness and choices need to be made for them, but I am not that person.

I wish people could see how hard I work not to relapse; using the CBT training with positive self talk, taking my medication, doing research on medications and treatments, using my coping skills (like this one) all the time, avoiding triggers, going to appointments, etc, etc, etc.  I mean, it's a full time job in itself.  Managing my illness is my top priority, but anytime I'm hospitalized or committed no one sees any of that.  They just see the relapse.  And they just see a sick person.

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