*DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor, therapist, or health professional of any kind. I’m sharing things that I have been taught that have helped me (or not). This is my experience.

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Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Loneliness

While I enjoy, almost prefer actually, having time to myself, having cable has driven me to the loneliness that I have noticed coming for awhile.  Watching only crime shows on Netflix helped me ignore the relationships I don't have.  Now watching things like Grey's Anatomy, it reminds me of the friends and boyfriend that don't exist.

Having schizoaffective disorder makes relationships difficult to form and pretty much just as hard to keep.  My negative past experiences have pretty much shaped my view of how people respond to my illness.  And honestly, that's really holding me back.

I know that I've talked about this before, and some people have a simple answer, but I always wonder when the right time is to tell people.  I've heard people say that you never have to tell people or that you should wait awhile before you do.  I feel that I'm basically lying to someone when I don't tell them.  I guess the big problem is that I feel that schizoaffective disorder is who I am.  It's hard for me to separate me from it.  When I think about why I say or do or think something, or even before I do something, I question how my illness is contributing.  I feel like my illness is a burden and not telling people about that burden sets me up for a situation where people feel like I'm deceiving them.  After finding out about my illness, a guy I was dating said that I just was no longer the person he thought I was.

It's not just the person's reaction that worries me.  People have been known to use my illness against me in  relationships.  Expressing logical worries has ended in someone telling me I'm delusional.  People have decided that I belong in supervised living or an RCF because they don't have faith in my ability to take care of myself and they don't fully understand mental illness, no matter how much I try to teach them.  People just don't understand and they seem to have the same problem I do, separating my illness from me.

I have as big a problem meeting people as I do with relationships.  Small talk is my achilles heel and I do my best to keep it short.  People always want to talk about what you I do for a living or if I'm in school.  They want to know how I spend my time and I really don't have an answer for that.  I don't want to lie, but really, what am I supposed to say?  I'm on disability and I don't see that changing and I spend my day at home or at appointments?  My therapist suggested I should say I help my dad with his business, which is true and I will prolly use it.  I just hate feeling like I have nothing to contribute; to society, to a conversation, to a relationship, etc.

I'm glad I'm seeing the psychiatrist in week so we can adjust my medications.  I'm a little leery because this will be my first appointment with him and I don't know his style.  I hope he listens to what I have to say and lets me have some say in what we do with my medication.  With the depression symptoms (increased appetite, increased sleep, just not feeling physically well) and the paranoia, a med change is order.

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