*DISCLAIMER: I am not a doctor, therapist, or health professional of any kind. I’m sharing things that I have been taught that have helped me (or not). This is my experience.


Friday, September 21, 2012

Worsening Depression, BPD, and CBT

My depression has gotten steadily worse so I called my doctor and they switched my antidepressant.  I'm now taking venlafaxine HCL (Effexor).  I started my first dose yesterday and so far only my sleep is interupted.  I was a little worried I would become manic because I had read in a couple reviews that other people have.  Not to mention it has happened with other medications in the past.  I'm not terribly excited that in most cases it takes a month to work.  I'm pretty sure things are going to get worse before they get better.  I'm already crying at the littlest hint of emotion.  If I could convince my brain to sleep all day, that's exactly what I would do.

I bought a puzzle in an attempt to give myself something to focus on.  So far I've got some of the edge pieces together. I've been spending time on a forum called Crazy Boards.  Here's a link to their site:


It helps me to feel not so alone when I read other people's experiences with depression.  I pretty much am alone here, except Monty, so it's hard not to feel that way.  They have a great thread about what makes you feel better when you're depressed and it reminded me that there are things I can do while I'm waiting for the meds to work.  Now I've just got to convince myself to do them.  I keep working myself up for exercise but I can't quite get over the edge to doing it.  Maybe this afternoon...  It doesn't help that the computer won't transfer to the TV.  I used to put YouTube videos up and do them but now the computer won't cooperate.

I talked to my ex last night.  He said that he misses me and that I need to come back to Cedar Rapids.  It made me start thinking about what kind of life I have here.  It's comfortable in that I don't have to worry that I don't have a computer or TV or car, I just have to work on getting them. It's lonely, however, in that I don't have much contact with anyone but my doctors, therapist, and Monty (and the cat).  I wonder if it would be better for me to be somewhere I have contact with people more.  But then I remember when I was in Cedar Rapids I didn't exactly let people in.  Not to mention that I don't want anyone to see me like this, before I lose weight, especially my ex.  Plus, I know Monty likes having me here, for the most part, and I don't want to upset him by leaving.  Really, moving back isn't an option, no matter how much I wish it was.  It's a "grass is greener" type thing.

I have also thought about getting my services back.  I most likely won't because I don't want to admit that I was wrong about not needing them.  It would be nice to have another standing appointment so I have some reason to get out of bed.  I hope to get into a routine so that I do have a reason to get out of bed.  I hope that routine will include exercise which leads to a shower every day.  My hygiene tends to get a little lax when I am depressed, but if I'm all sweaty I won't have a choice.  It's hard for me to write out a schedule because I don't know how the new medication is going to effect me.  That's prolly just a well thought out excuse, but it's true.  I should prolly just make a tentative schedule and try to stick to it.  It would help if my motivation wasn't gone.

I wrote to my friend Nathan when my neuropathic pain was pretty bad and I haven't heard back.  I wrote another letter that I'm going to send today.  It's possible that he never got it or that he's just been too busy to write back.  It just makes me worry about if I'm annoying him with my letters. I have an issue with thinking I'm annoying everyone and everyone hates me.  I think it's part of my borderline personality disorder.  I hate those thoughts because most of the time people's actions have nothing to do with me.

It's like when I was having trouble with the side effects of the Saphris (crashing in the morning) and Monty lashed out at me after a bad day at work.  I automatically started thinking I had to move out of here, that he hated me.  I felt like the worst person in the world.  Then he apologized and explained he had had a bad day at work and I was better in an instant.  BPD I think makes relationships harder than any of the symptoms of Schizoaffective disorder.  The psychosis and severe mood changes come and go but my thought patterns are hard to identify and change.

I try to be aware of my thoughts in order to use my CBT skills to help change them, but it's not easy.  Using positive self talk is hard to do when you are so convinced of something negative.  I'm struggling with my being on disability and seeing no end to it.  I feel like I've failed at everything I ever wanted to do.  I try to reframe that thought into believing I can make new goals to achieve, but the thought that I failed is just so deep in there that it's hard to turn around.  I miss CBT therapy because I really enjoy group therapy.  I enjoy individual therapy too, but group therapy makes you realize you're not the only one.  There's no groups around here that I know of.  Perhaps I will look into that today.

Well, this has been productive, I now have a list of things to do today.  Hopefully I will get it done.

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